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Really Good Texas Chili

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Really Good Texas Chili

Postby Madison » Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:56 am

A bit long, but hilarious :-D :

Good ole Texas Chili - gotta love it

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. San Antonio has a Chili Cook-Off about the time of Halloween. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili
Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is judge #3)

Chili #1 - Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor, very mild.

Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy Cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 - Austin's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 - Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1 - Excellent Fire house chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer...

Chili #4 - Dave's Black Magic

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild food, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 - Lisa's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili, Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really irritates me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. To hell with those rednecks.

Chili #6 - Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
Sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili #7 - Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 - Ho hum, taste as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
would not feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop's too painful. To heck with it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4- inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 - Karen's Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, and fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
Yes doctor, I am sick.
Sick of those who are spineless.
Sick of those who feel self-entitled.
Sick of those who are hypocrites.
Yes doctor, an army is forming.
Yes doctor, there will be a war.
Yes doctor, there will be blood.....
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Postby Cornbread Maxwell » Tue Mar 01, 2005 10:19 am

Thats brilliant Mad - Im in tears. :-D
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Postby Mookie4ever » Tue Mar 01, 2005 10:23 am

Crazy Texans. Nice one ;-D
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Postby WharfRat » Tue Mar 01, 2005 12:05 pm

Reminds me of the time I was hanging out with a bunch of Buddhist monks and I tried to eat extra-spicy Thai food. They were all mellow and, you know, enlightened and whatnot, and I was sweaty and panicking after I noticed my head had exploded. Odd afternoon, to say the least.
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Postby DieHardCubbie » Tue Mar 01, 2005 1:06 pm

One of the classics....great find Madison.... ;-D
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Postby joshyboy72 » Tue Mar 01, 2005 1:29 pm

That was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time, thanks Mad. ;-D
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Postby acsguitar » Tue Mar 01, 2005 2:01 pm

I think my hate of texas ruined this for me...but i am hungry for chilli
I'm too lazy to make a sig at the moment
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Postby Rico The Retard » Tue Mar 01, 2005 6:49 pm

lol, them darn old texans

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Postby kentx12 » Tue Mar 01, 2005 6:59 pm

I have heard it but it is still a great joke.
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Postby GEBaseball3 » Wed Mar 02, 2005 8:39 pm

that is great!!!
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