I put this in the venting forum as well...but I want it to reach a larger audience, and the Fantasy Baseball Talk is the largest in here.
This Just In: Turf at Fenway Torn Out, Replaced with Paper!
Boston Herald exclusive
By Dave "Pres Habib" Nielson
In a rash response to watching his team dig a hole for itself that a mole with a fire in its ass would be proud off, Boston Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein ordered that the grass, infield dirt, and mound be torn out of Fenway Park and replaced with paper, in an obvious acknowledgment that the 2004 edition of the Boston Red Sox are far better on paper than they actually are on turf.
The young Epstein showed even more brilliance (and an appeasement of GreenPeace) when he said the new paper field would not require any trees or forests to be cut down. When asked where the wood for the paper would come from, Theo quipped, "We'll use Kevin Millar's bats. He's not using them anyway".
Red Sox players are not the only ones who will be effected by this new development. The grounds crew stands to do things very differently from now on as well. This reporter attempted to reach one of the crew members, but he was in court with Karim Garcia and Jeff Nelson.
"Personally, I like the move", Boston short-throw...uhhh I mean shortstop...Nomar Garciaparra said after last night's 13-2 loss to Christiansen's Dairy, of the Smithfield, Rhode Island little league." Clearly, this team needs to change something up. We can't do anything now. Maybe playing on paper will finally help us realize how good we are supposed to be".
Unfortunately, they write Cesar Crespo's name on paper, too.
In a post-game interview with Red Sox manager Terry Francona, when asked how the team would respond to its recent sweep at the hands of friggin Yankees, Francona mindlessly repeated "Its ok, its not their fault, we'll do better. It's ok, its not their fault, we'll do better". Only after reporters left the room did someone realize that Francona continued to utter these words. Upon further investigation (poking him with a stick), the small crowd surrounding the BoSox skipper was shocked to see that Francona was actually a robot, capable of blurting out only those three short sentences.
One only wonders what will happen if the paper field idea does not work for the Fenway Fighters. My best guess is that Larry Luchino, Tom Werner, and John Henry will contact Bud Selig in a desperate attempt to allow errors and unearned runs allowed to actually count FOR the perpetrating parties, in which case the 2004 Red Sox might actually go 162-0.
Check the Boston Globe next week for my article concerning the inevitable decline in New England's population, as thousands upon thousands are expected to line up and throw themselves off the roof of the Prudential Building over looking the new-look Fenway Park. Hey, at least I'll have plenty of paper to write it on.
Rest in peace Mitch Hedberg. I name my fantasy team "Buoyancy of Citrus", in your honor.