[/quote]Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no
more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men
prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like
"style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual,
metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual-bogus definitions
have taken over the urban and suburban world!
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the
The RetroSexual Code :
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term
only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or
a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you
live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and
drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women
have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an end cap
(possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.
This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women.
Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you
becoming a frou-frou little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress
such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree
chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, or
favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because
Daddy didn't pay you enough attention to you. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH
IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY
a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a
nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be
rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled
with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's
just plain fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of
them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams
are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is
swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry
include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish
do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.
A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that
refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey),
or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include any
of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days),
Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road
Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal
Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie,
Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club,etc .
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a
pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and
offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men
still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct
emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the
acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious
healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting,
cigars, car maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all
over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering
his ride on a plow berm.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.
Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any
elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt)
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the
Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for
serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He
will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other
person deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the
process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!!!!
You owe it to yourself to be the best you can possible be - in baseball and in life.
A hot dog at the ball park is better than steak at the Ritz.