Someone should do a site that goes the other way.
Adam Eaton once threw a pitch, and a batter hit it.
Adam Eaton walked into a bar and it broke his pitching arm. Nobody noticed.
It happens to an NFL draftee every year, but Adam Eaton was the MLB first player ever to be designated "Mr. Irrelevant".
Adam Eaton doesn't wait. He sleeps.
Adam Eaton once created a rock so heavy he couldn't lift it. Everyone else could, though, because it was a pretty small rock.
Adam Eaton can't get a hit off Stephen Strasburg or strike out Matt Wieters. He also cannot strike out Stephen Strasburg or get a hit off Matt Wieters.
There's no such thing as a juiced ball, just seasons in which Adam Eaton pitches more.
My favorite: The shortest distance between two points in an Adam Eaton curve ball.
Adam Eaton isn't aware he's pitching, he thinks he's trying to pick the runner off of home plate.
Once, while watching a young pitcher, Adam Eaton detected a flaw in his delivery. Being friendly and helpful, and not in the same division, Eaton called up the pitcher and told him how to fix the flaw...right before the 2000 NLCS began.
Adam Eaton auditioned for "Major League". He didn't get the part as the producers found it too unbelievable that a major league team would employ him, even one trying to lose. On his way home, he stopped by the place he had been most successful to think. The empty backstop in the park had only hit .324/.408/.609 off Adam, but that day it was filled with Tom Emanski and his video crews. That's when Adam found his true calling: the "after" BP pitcher for Tom Emanski videos.
One time when Adam Eaton was running late for a game he was supposed to start, he was pulled over for speeding to the ballpark. After explaining the situation to the officer, he was promptly arrested and jailed.
Most Ballplayers Talk About Themselves In The First Person. Rickey Henderson Talked About Himself In The Third Person. Matt Wieters Talks About Himself In The Fourth Person. When Adam Eaton talks about himself, he's "Dennis Tankersley." It's less humiliating.
My local batting cage has three options for beginning baseball players: 35 MPH baseball, slow-pitch softball, and Adam Eaton.
Second-favorite: Adam Eaton once promised a sick boy that he'd give up only three homers in the next game for him. He gave up four, and the boy died.
The stadium-building boom in Major League Baseball isn't a wasteful giveaway by municipalities. It was the only way to combat structural damage to upper decks caused by Adam Eaton's curveball.
The reason Chuck Norris can divide by zero is that he was once asked to compute Adam Eaton's ERA.
Third-favorite: Adam Eaton has been within 26 outs of a perfect game.
There are lots more.