As we head toward ESPN’s crowning glory (it’s like Yankees-Red Sox—in the Super Bowl!), those of us in flyover land can do nothing but cringe and hope the New York and New England fans step way out of character and keep relatively quiet. Good luck with that. In case that minor miracle doesn’t happen—and since knowing your enemy is the first step to conquering your enemy—here is a guide to the worst kinds of sports fans to help you through this winter weekend of Chicago’s discontent.
Hyper-analytical head case
Traits: These fans watch live sports only as it relates to their fantasy teams. They aren’t interested in non-fantasy sports teams because they can’t control the rosters. They define a “good season” as “putting up good fantasy numbers.” If they’re baseball fans, it’s likely they’re huge fans of Bill James’ Sabermetrics and have called stats such as batting average “antiquated.”
Example: If you hear cheering at the bar at random—and sometimes inappropriate—times, it’s a fantasy team cheer.
Traits: They think—no, they know—that they and their cronies are “better” fans than you. Any victory their team garners and any loss their team sustains is that much more meaningful to them because they understand the game on such a deeper level than you can.
Example: Yankees fans and ESPN’s Bill Simmons.