I'm so mean ...
Rosenthal wrote:You think this Yankees-Red Sox thing is heating up? Just picture Alex Rodriguez in a Red Sox uniform as next season begins.
March 31: The Devil Rays sweep the Yankees in Tokyo behind a 3-run homer by Rocco Baldelli. "Get him!" Yankees owner George Steinbrenner roars. When the Devil Rays balk, Steinbrenner not only buys the team but all of Tampa-St. Petersburg.
April 5: Pedro Martinez pitches a shutout in the Red Sox's opener, then demands a five-year, $100 million extension. "If the Sox don't want me," Martinez sniffs, "the Yankees will."
April 6: Curt Schilling rips Martinez, saying, "Twenty million a year is ridiculous for a little punk." Martinez responds, "I will not acknowledge the remarks of a pitcher who has never won a Cy Young."
April 19: The Red Sox fail to sweep the Yankees at Fenway when manager Terry Francona goes with "his gut" and removes A-Rod for a pinch hitter. Sox owner John Henry orders a laptop installed in the Red Sox dugout, the better to "assist" Francona.
May 17: A slumping Sheffield lashes out after Steinbrenner asks him to get his eyes checked. "He is contractually obligated to undergo monthly examinations," Steinbrenner says. Sheffield fires his agent, failing to recall that he doesn't have one.
May 25: A-Rod hits his 25th homer, then downplays reports of a rift with Francona, saying, "As long as he keeps letting me call pitches, we'll be fine."
June 2: Jason Giambi, exhausted from playing every inning at first base, suffers a season-ending knee injury.
June 3: The Yankees acquire Carlos Delgado.
June 4: The Red Sox acquire Jeff Bagwell. ROFLMAO
June 24: Yankees second baseman Alfonso Soriano makes his 26th error. "You would think by now that Joe Torre and his coaches would have taught this young man how to play defense," Steinbrenner says.
June 25: Steinbrenner replaces Torre with Bobby Valentine, buying out Valentine's contract from Japan's Chiba Lotte Marines -- then buying the Marines.
June 26: The Yankees send Soriano and an undisclosed amount of cash to the MLB-owned Expos for Jose Vidro. The Red Sox howl, calling for an investigation after commissioner Bud Selig is spotted in Milwaukee driving a new Mercedes.
July 9: The Rangers' Manny Ramirez hits three home runs in his return to Boston. A-Rod twists his neck sneering at Rangers manager Buck Showalter and is lost indefinitely.
July 10: The Red Sox reacquire Nomar Garciaparra from the Dodgers.
July 11: The Yankees acquire Eric Chavez, Ken Griffey Jr. and Juan Gonzalez. Griffey and Gonzalez are stashed at Class AAA Columbus, "just in case."
July 31: The trade deadline passes with minimal activity. The Red Sox add six relievers. The Yankees import the Tokyo Giants.
August 16: Yankees general manager Brian Cashman is spotted selling beer in the right field stands. Confronted by reporters, Steinbrenner says, "His role has not changed."
August 25: Schilling denies that he is the author of an e-mail trashing the team on the Red Sox's website. "I'm not Schilling38," he insists. The Yankees' YES network investigates, and the e-mail is traced to Schilling's Blackberry.
September 17: Martinez kicks off a first-place showdown by throwing at Sheffield. A familiar rotund figure charges the mound from the left field stands, screaming, "Let's finish this!"
September 18: Steinbrenner rehires Don Zimmer as bench coach.
October 3: The Yankees win the A.L. East on a grand slam by newly acquired Miguel Tejada. The Red Sox claim the wild card.
October 21: Game 7 of the ALCS. Francona removes Martinez for Schilling with a 3-run lead in the eighth. Aaron Boone tags Schilling for a game-winning homer. Jeff Weaver earns the victory in relief. Boone wears No. 19, Weaver No. 18.
Some things never change.