BK Comes Clean
And he gets it (let's keep him)
"The Boston players seemed to feel too much stress. The fans wishing to win a World Series by breaking Bambino's curse, and the media trying to make troubles, and reporting the troubles, were strange to me."
BK writes from his personal web site - Young Ryong Lee translation:
Hello, folks. This is Byung-Hyun Kim who is evading people, was mentally ill, not well educated in manner with people and who beat people up with physical power.
Many things happened this year. I think that many of my fans would be disappointed that I came into Korea without letting anybody know, but please don't be disappointed. I didn't even tell my parents who I love most. Being in Boston for 5 months feels to me quite a long difficult period. Adapting myself to a new team by trade, physical tiredness caused by ankle wound and changing position from a starter to a closer. Boston media which has similar tendency with Korean media and the manager who made me wonder "I gave this little faith to him?" etc., these things happened.
I love baseball and the Boston Red Sox team.
The Boston fans are enthusiastically in love with baseball and the Boston Red Sox team. I was surprised the first time there, but after staying in a few months, I had the feeling that the fans and Boston media both try to catch something overexerted. The Boston players seemed to feel too much stress. The fans wishing to win a World Series by breaking Bambino's curse, and the media trying to make troubles, and reporting the troubles were strange to me.
After my first blown save fans, the home fans, did boo me. At first time, I was pissed off and made short thought in wrong way. "OK, you want to win, I wouldn't want to help it" but soon I made a conclusion that "I was wrong, if I did good, they wouldn't boo me and they like the team more than me, so that is natural for them."
Time passed and it was September. My shoulder was getting worse because of my ankle wound. I felt like I needed to get some rest. But the strange pitcher's schedule by the manager, the fan's boo and my self-esteem made me want to pitch with unyielding sprit. Finally we got into the division series which was going to drive me into the serious event later on.
Bottom of ninth, two out with two runners on bases. I don't want to deny my fault to make that situation, but as a closer of a team which is not what I wanted to be on mound. I was doing my best with pride. The manager's decision to get me off from mound was very shocking to me. I had been tired and remained there with unyielding sprit. When I needed comfort and having him faith on me, the decision gave me big feeling of loss and changed my thinking a little bit.
I asked to myself: "Aren't you in pain? Why are you pitching without getting this treated?" I had this weak thought. Non-sound whispering says "don't be stupid to yourself"
Maybe, because of that, my mind and my will got weaker and it discouraged me and felt much pains on my shoulder after the day. So I told my close friends after game "I can't pitch anymore."
I said that I feel very hard on my body and I don't know what to do. And then we got home and at the first game with Oakland in front of home fans, they did boo me when the announcer called my name. At the moment, my third finger was raised up with instinct.
My behaviour was clearly wrong at that situation. However, if I explain what my feeling was at the moment, "I can't admit your boo at this time. I did my best and If I had a little more chance to face a batter then, the result must have been different. So I can't admit your judgment at this time."
After the game, Theo called me up and told me that he wants me to announce public apology message and he said "If I don't like, I don't have to, but that is good way for both the team and you."
I agreed with his opinion, because I knew I did the wrong thing. And then, I received a voice message in my cellular phone. That was my father. He said "Are you OK? It's crazy in Korea because of you." He said "look at newspapers" so I took a look at Korean newspapers on internet and I read the article with a photo, which has mean looking face of me. It described a player who would be forced to leave Boston Red Sox soon, a player who shouldn't be in baseball world, a player who is not well educated at human beings.
I wanted to have an interview after reading it. But I didn't want to have an interview with someone who writes the wrong things with being aware of that is wrong. "They didn't hear from me. They just wrote what they want to write for deadline." I was thinking "what are they writing this based on?"
And this is the second story of my finger. A fan of Oakland cursed to me in Korean language and he said "is your finger OK?" so I answered "did you mean this finger?" I raised up the finger and said "my finger is OK." Then, a Korean reporter saw that and made up the story with great creativity. The title of the article was "The Second Insult to Crowd Can't be Forgiven"
The reporter who was friendly transferred that story to American reporters came down to me one day and friendly asked me "Have you given a thought that you have had damage from Media?" So I answered "yes, I have" then, he said "Then, have you thought about how to fix that problem? You can have better public reception" So, I asked "what should I do for that?" He answered "be good at taking pictures and accept the interview proposals well." He talked about something invisible for that. I said that I wouldn't want to do that much. He said "Then, we can't help it."
I will say one word for an article which really pissed me off. An newspaper article named 'BK Got Killing Threaten' worried my family and friends. "I won't put up with that any more. If you make my family being worried again with that kind of article" (I am saying this because I know you will read this letter).
I respect freedom of expression and journalism. But this is too much overused. For this issue, I like to thank Theo, my coach and my teammates who worry about me and understand me. Even though it was clearly wrong behaviour, everything was going OK in the USA. But in Korea, the media drove me to a mentally ill person and a trouble maker. They say they understand me in front of me. But after I read the articles written by them, I now think I shouldn't talk with these people.
I might go to police office tomorrow (Tuesday). I want to say this. The happening on last Saturday happened when I came out from the gym after finishing exercising. A reporter with camera was starting to take pictures of me with flashing suddenly. So I asked him "Don't take pictures." But he got his camera closer to my face and started taking pictures. So I said "I said don't take pictures!" Then, he was talking close to my face "You know what would happen to you if you interfere subject selection of reporter?"
I met him at first, and he used an impolite way to call me "you." What he said was that he was doing a very important thing. He sounded like he was telling me that I should do whatever he told me to do. So we started arguing with physical power and I was telling him again "I said don't take pictures!" Then the reporter said in twist way. "You might hit me? you are using violence now?"
I felt like hitting him but I couldn't. So I took his camera and threw it away. He didn't tell me his profession and didn't ask my permission.
I want to say, "This is clearly wrong" I am not sure what is going to happen to me next. I am ready to be responsible for my misbehaviour if I did the wrong thing.
But I am not ashamed of what I did and I am not that kind of person as the media described. I don't think I did shameful behaviour as a human being who can live with one's own will and one's own thought, not as a public figure who gets attention and love from fans.
I feel bad about that I often made bad news to the fans. It is acceptable for me to hear any blame from people who say that I gave them disappointment as a baseball player and public figure. But I think this is too harsh if one judges one with his or her criterion without listening to his word because of the fact that it is not his or her own problem.
I am saying this to those reporters who would be reading this letter. If your perspective view is not changed, my attitude wouldn't be changed too.
I think I am a real lucky guy because I play baseball in the USA. I feel like that I have made quite a lot of excusatory explanations so far. I will show up on TV soon and make greetings. If I have chance I will explain myself. Until then, I hope you don't make an early judgment about a human being 'Byung Hyun Kim'
To people loving me with no reason who has 0% attractiveness as a human being not as a baseball player.
Byung Hyun Kim