At the beginning of my shift I placed a
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf
female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes,
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news
when I told a wife that her husband had died
of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg,
I was performing a complete physical,
including the visual acuity test. I placed
the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your
left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't
even read the large E on the top line. I
turned and discovered that he had done
exactly what I had asked; he was standing
there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous,
During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor, that he was having
trouble with one of his medications. "Which
one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me
to put on a new one every six hours and now
I'm running out of places to put it!" I had
him quickly undress and discovered what I
hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over
fifty patches on his body! Now the
instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St.Clair,
While acquainting myself with a new elderly
patient, I asked, "How long have you been
bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered... "Why, not for
about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson,
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and
asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
the taste," the patient replied. I then asked
to see the jelly and the woman produced a
foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room,
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green, and above it there was a
tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Yes doctor, I am sick.
Sick of those who are spineless.
Sick of those who feel self-entitled.
Sick of those who are hypocrites.
Yes doctor, an army is forming.
Yes doctor, there will be a war.
Yes doctor, there will be blood.....