Teenager: Are you a cop?
Fletch: As far as you know.
Teenager: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?
Fletch: Why? Did you steal the car?
Teenager: I sure did.
Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.
Receptionist: May I help you Dr...?
Fletch: Oh, it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, I'm here to get to the records room.
Receptionist: What was that name again?
Fletch: It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosen. Where's the records room?
Fletch: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I didn't want to have to do this. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.
[During a proctological exam]
Fletch: You using the whole fist, Doc?
Fletch: I'm John.
Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John.
Gail Stanwyk: John who?
Fletch: John Cock... tos... ton.
Gail Stanwyk: That's a beautiful name.
Fletch: Well, it's Scotch/Romanian.
Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination.
Fletch: Yeah, well, so were my parents.
Madeline: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Fletch: I'm Frieda's boss.
Madeline: Who's Frieda?
Fletch: My secretary.
[to a Doberman pinscher]
Fletch: Look, defenseless babies!
Alan Stanwyck: One thousand just to listen? I don't see how you can pass that up, Mr...?
Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.
Gail Stanwyck: What are you doing here?
Fletch: I ordered some lunch.
Gail Stanwyck: You ordered it here?
Fletch: Well, I knew this is where my mouth would be.
[Fletch has fainted]
Records Nurse: Oh, Doctor, are you all right?
Fletch: Where am I?
Records Nurse: You're in the records room.
Fletch: The records room? Oh, then I'm fine.
Records Nurse: Can I get you something?
Fletch: Yeah, do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're out there.
Fat Sam: I got some reds.
Fletch: You don't mean communists, do you, Sam?
Waiter: Excuse me, Señor. You are a member of the club?
Fletch: No, I'm not, I'm with the Underhills.
Waiter: They are left, Señor.
Fletch: It's all right, they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.
Waiter: Would you like some drinks, Señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.
Fletch: Yes, very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please.
Fletch: Well, the traffic was murder, you know. One of those manure spreaders jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Godawful mess. You should see my shoes.
Waiter: Gracias, señor.
Fletch: Tierra Del Fuego.
Fletch: I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?
Gail Stanwyck: Alan's in Utah.
Fletch: I... can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.
General Jack D. Ripper: Your Commie has no regard for human life. Not even his own.
General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenceau once said about war?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No, I don't think I do, sir, no.
General Jack D. Ripper: He said war was too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.
President Merkin Muffley: But this is absolute madness, Ambassador! Why should you *build* such a thing?
Ambassador de Sadesky: There were those of us who fought against it, but in the end we could not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space race, and the peace race. At the same time our people grumbled for more nylons and washing machines. Our doomsday scheme cost us just a small fraction of what we had been spending on defense in a single year. The deciding factor was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines, and we were afraid of a doomsday gap.
President Merkin Muffley: This is preposterous. I've never approved of anything like that.
Ambassador de Sadesky: Our source was the New York Times.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel... that Coca-Cola machine. I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there.
Colonel "Bat" Guano: That's private property.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel! Can you possibly imagine what is going to happen to you, your frame, outlook, way of life, and everything, when they learn that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States? Can you imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With a gun! That's what the bullets are for, you twit!
Colonel "Bat" Guano: Okay. I'm gonna get your money for ya. But if you don't get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what's gonna happen to you?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: What?
Colonel "Bat" Guano: You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.
Dr. Strangelove: Sir! I have a plan!
[standing up from his wheelchair]
Dr. Strangelove: Mein Führer! I can walk!
President Merkin Muffley: Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.