Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
Ted Nelson, Customer: What's your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy, well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.
Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy: Because they know all they solda ya was a guaranteed piece of [expletive]. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson, Customer: [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well, that's... What?
Tommy: I l-left a message.
Richard Hayden: A message? What number did you call?
Tommy: Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
Richard Hayden: I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy: No, it was cordless.
Richard Hayden: You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.
Richard Hayden: Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter.
[Richard knocks on the door impersonating the maid while Tommy tries to sleep]
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping. You want mint for pillow?
Tommy: Please go away let me sleep *for the love of God*.
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping. You want me to jerk you off?
Tommy: What kind of hotel is this?
Tommy: Who the hell are... Oh, it's you.
Richard Hayden: Good morning, sunshine.
Richard Hayden: And... what about seat belts? To fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end and... you know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seatbelt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you're a *retard*.
Tommy: Uh, what my associate is trying say is... Our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it. Like, let's say you're driving along the road with your family.
[Picks up model car]
Tommy: You're drivin' along, la-de-da, woo. All of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. EEEEEEEEE! Whoa, that was close. Ha-ha. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the "other guy's" brake pads. You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along, the kids start shouting from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy!" "Not now, damn it!" Truck tire. EEEEEEEE! I CAN'T STOP!
[Slams model car into lighter]
Tommy: There's a cliff! AAAAAHH! And your family's screaming,
[sets car on fire]
Tommy: "Oh my God, we're burning alive!" "No! I can't feel my legs!" Here comes the meat wagon.
Tommy: And the medic gets out and says, "Oh my God". New guy's around the corner puking his guts out.
Tommy: All because you want to save a couple extra pennies. And to me, it doesn't...
Executive with Toy Cars: Get out. Now!
Tommy: [Richard tries blowing out flaming car] Do you validate?
Executive with Toy Cars: No!
Dante Hicks: You hate people!
Randal Graves: I know. I hate people, but I love gatherings. Isn't that ironic.
[after losing a hockey ball from the roof]
Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there?
Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!
Dante Hicks: I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Coroner: My only question is how did she come to have sex with the dead guy?
Dante Hicks: She thought it was me.
Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?
Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks: "Empire".
Randal Graves: Blasphemy.
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.
Randal Graves: You know who I could do without? I could do without the people in the video store.
Dante Hicks: Which ones?
Randal Graves: All of them.
[a series of vignettes]
Bed Wetting Dad: What would you get for a six-year-old who chronically wets his bed?
Video Confusion Customer: So, do you have any new releases in?
[zoom out to see a huge sign that says "NEW RELEASES" directly above her]
Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in the movie that was out last year?
Randal Graves: They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movies on the rack.
Low I.Q. Video Customer: OOOOH! NAVY SEALS!
Randal Graves: It's like in order to join, they have to have an I.Q. that's less than their shoe size.
Dante Hicks: You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get.
Cold Coffee Lover: What do mean there's no ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?
Candy Confusion Customer: So how much is this thing anyway?
[zoom out to see a huge "EVERYTHING ONLY 99¢" sign behind her]
Hubcap Searching Customer: Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh, Mini-Trucker Magazine!