Flounder: You guys playing cards?
Katy: Boon, I think I'm in love with a retard.
Boon: Is he bigger than me?
[Watching Flounder take abuse at ROTC]
Otter: He can't do that do that to our pledges.
Boon: Only we can do that to our pledges.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?
Greg Marmalard: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Cut the horse****, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.
Greg Marmalard: You're talking about Delta, sir.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Of course I'm talking about Delta, you TWERP!
Bluto: Grab a brew. Don't cost nothin'.
[None of his literature students are paying attention]
Jennings: Don't write this down, but I find Milton probably as boring as you find Milton. Mrs. Milton found him boring too. He's a little bit long-winded, he doesn't translate very well into our generation, and his jokes are terrible.
[Bell rings, students rise to leave]
Jennings: But that doesn't relieve you of your responsibility for this material. Now I'm waiting for reports from some of you... Listen, I'm not joking. This is my job!
What About Bob?
Dr. Leo Marvin: You think he's gone? He's not gone. That's the whole point! He's never gone!
[Leo opens the door; there's Bob]
Bob Wiley: Is this some radical new therapy?
Dr. Leo Marvin: YOU SEE?
Bob Wiley: what if I'm looking for a bathroom, I can't find one... and my bladder explodes?
Dr. Leo Marvin: Are you married?
Bob Wiley: I'm divorced.
Dr. Leo Marvin: Would you like to talk about that?
Bob Wiley: There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him.
Dr. Leo Marvin: This is black powder, Bob. A teaspoon of it can blow up a tree stump.
Bob Wiley: How much you got there?
Dr. Leo Marvin: Twenty pounds.
Bob Wiley: Dr. Marvin, I'M SAILING!
Dr. Leo Marvin: That's good, KEEP SAILING BOB!
Bob Wiley: [riding in Leo's car, speaking as Leo drives] It was an interesting morning, fruitful. But it lacked the intensity that you and I generate together, the sparks that we get one-on-one. We just gotta figure out a way to work around your schedule. Could we work afternoons? 2:00 to 4:00? 3:00 to 5:00? Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday?
Dr. Leo Marvin: AHHHHHH!
[slams the brakes, gets out of the car, walks around, and opens Bob's door]
Bob Wiley: Are you saying you'd rather work mornings?
Dr. Leo Marvin: [nearly incomprehensible] GET OUTTA THE CAR!