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Their outfield consists of Jay Gibbons, Jeff Conine, and Corey Patterson, who struck out 198 times last year in 187 at bats.
With a fastball topping off at 93 mph, Randy Johnson look less like an intimidating gunslinger and more like that dorky kid in high school who grew 8 inches between freshman and sophomore year and was too awkward to walk down the hall.
Aubrey Huff has an embarrassingly feminine name. If I were him, I would change it to “Michael” or “Harold” or “Raymond.” Those are good, solid, dignified male names.
Chan Ho Park and his 6ish ERA have been shipped to San Diego, but that’s only 19 hours away. If I were a Rangers fan I still wouldn’t feel completely safe.
Will the wear and tear on Tom Gordon’s arm rob him of his effectiveness? Who cares? He’s getting paid $18 million. With that kind of money, he can buy a bionic arm and use his robotic finger to flip off everybody in Philadelphia from the deck of his yacht.
Alfonso Soriano’s refusal to play the outfield puts the Nationals in an odd position. Of course, it might be less odd if they didn’t acquire an outfielder who swore he would never play the outfield in the first place.
The Marlins weakness is their inexperience. This team boasts a lot of young players. Well, not “boasts” exactly. More like acknowledges.
I’ve got the cure for what ails the Marlins: Juan Gonzalez. Now there’s a guy who can infuse your team with boundless energy and optimism.
Mark Prior was dangled as trade bait in the offseason for shortstop Miguel Tejada, probably because the Cubs would prefer someone who is actually good, rather than someone who is theoretically good.
Adam Dunn will strike out 5 times before you finish reading this sentence.
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