Before we got married, I caught her in my arms.
Now I catch her in my pockets.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
BARTENDER: I think you've had enough, sir. DRUNK: I just lost my wife, buddy!
BARTENDER: Well, it must be hard losing a wife.... DRUNK: It was almost impossible!
I met Callahan on the street yesterday. He looked terrible, all beat up. "What happened to you?" I asked, "I thought you were living the life of Riley." He replied, "I was, but he came home unexpectedly."
This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."
A man yells to his wife, "Pack your
bags. I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep.
As was common, they got into a nasty quarrel at breakfast. "You're not good in bed, either!" yelled the husband as he stormed out to work. Around lunch time, he had cooled off and decided to apologize, so he called home. After many rings, his wife answered. "What took you so long?" he yelled as his temperate began to rise again. "I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Ever since they got married, the wife has had a padlocked chest by the foot of their bed. Despite his pleadings from time to time, she never revealed the contents to him. Finally, on their silver anniversary, the wife agreed to let him see the contents. He watched steadfastly as she unlocked the chest and opened the lid. Inside were two ears of corn and twenty-five thousand dollars. He looked at the chest and looked at his wife. His wife said, "It is like this. Every time I cheated on you, I put in an ear of corn." He was surprised to learn she has been unfaithful. But twice in twenty-five years wasn't that bad, so he smiled and asked, "What about the money?" "Well, every time I reached a bushel, I sold it."
Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't.
The husband bought his frigid wife a big tube of K-Y jelly and told her, "This will make you happy." It did. She put it on the bedroom doorknob after he went out.
Marriage is grand, divorce is about 10 grand.