The birthday present.
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife on her birthday. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "My goodness! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at 3:30 at St. Luke's Church!
TEXANS IN FRANCE
A Texas Panhandle rancher and his wife were bickering while on holiday in France. They were hardly speaking to each other. They had been seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
When the waiter arrived the rancher said: "I'll have a big, thick
porterhouse steak." The waiter replied: "Monsieur .. what about ze mad cow?"
To which the rancher replied, "She'll have a salad".
On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
So the new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make
$300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Two fellows from Mississippi were sitting around talking one
After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak
over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would
make us even."
Yes doctor, I am sick.
Sick of those who are spineless.
Sick of those who feel self-entitled.
Sick of those who are hypocrites.
Yes doctor, an army is forming.
Yes doctor, there will be a war.
Yes doctor, there will be blood.....