I'm sure some of these have been posted on some form or another but it is all worth posting again anyway.
Pretend were married
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
Bishop's Ass Problem
A priest wanted to raise money for his church. When told that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a racehorse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might just as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PRIEST`S ASS SHOWS
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:
PRIEST`S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST`S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun she couldn`t keep the donkey. She sold the donkey to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day
Doctor's just reward
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
Wise vacation decision
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know,
I reckon I`m about ready for a vacation. Only this year I`m gonna do it a little
different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years
ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years
ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you
suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn`t get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that`s different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I`m taking Marie with me."
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would
send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak
Street and you pick her up there?"
Alcohal rules of attraction
Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify a woman`s personality based on what
she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly
what she wants.
Your Approach: You won`t have to approach her, if she is interested, she`ll send YOU a
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel & spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy & sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.She should be an easy target.
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals looking to get totally drunk, and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to
do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple & clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He`s poor & wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer & wants to get laid.
Wine: He`s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him
Whiskey: He doesn`t give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He`s gay
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On
the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.
The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do
we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps
a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several
different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased
with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five
minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so
difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was
difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde
Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said.
"And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I
could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
"You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold
while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Rules of the south
Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth
cooking, let alone eating.
Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two
days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a
four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't
try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular.
"All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a
Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
People walk slower here.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is
the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent
begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent
are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
"He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is
thrown on and the tent is torn down.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These
are likely the last words he will ever say.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you
see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that
it was on when the car was purchased.
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that
comes from yelling at other drivers.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of
snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you
need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be
positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the
dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case,
you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more
Yankees than Southerners living there.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle
of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John
Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of
key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
"Son we would like to keep you around here but were trying to win a pennant this year."