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Funny One-Liners

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Funny One-Liners

Postby StlSluggers » Thu Nov 18, 2004 11:02 am

I received these via e-mail at work today. Thought I would share them with everyone. They're attributed to Stephen Wright, and while I don't doubt it, I can't prove it either.

Enjoy!

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible.... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height... which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

The speed of time is one second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
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Postby JRM4833 » Thu Nov 18, 2004 11:06 am

:-b :-b

Funny list. Stephen Wright is hilarious. ;-D
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Postby Mookie4ever » Thu Nov 18, 2004 11:20 am

I can picture him delivering those. He is classic. ;-D

btw- how do you know when you run out of invisible ink?

and - what do you call sour cream when it goes bad? :-?
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Postby BigMusky » Thu Nov 18, 2004 11:50 am

beer is my anti-drug
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Postby Madison » Thu Nov 18, 2004 12:15 pm

Those are hilarious! :-D :-b :*)

;-D
Yes doctor, I am sick.
Sick of those who are spineless.
Sick of those who feel self-entitled.
Sick of those who are hypocrites.
Yes doctor, an army is forming.
Yes doctor, there will be a war.
Yes doctor, there will be blood.....
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Postby SaintsOfTheDiamond » Thu Nov 18, 2004 12:18 pm

Those are great. :-D
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Postby kentx12 » Thu Nov 18, 2004 12:51 pm

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.


That sounds like me...I like those.
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Postby perlick29 » Thu Nov 18, 2004 2:00 pm

How does a blind man know when to stop wiping?


Wright is great, and so was the list.
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Postby BigMusky » Thu Nov 18, 2004 2:02 pm

Martini's are like Testicles....

one is not enough, three is too many, but two is just right.
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Postby Viper8437 » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:51 pm

eh :-t
reyes is my homeboy
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