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Extra! Extra! How To Be A Better Redneck!!!

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Extra! Extra! How To Be A Better Redneck!!!

Postby StlSluggers » Wed Nov 03, 2004 10:32 am

Please note the following BASIC tips for Rednecks:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral.

DRINKING ETIQUETTE:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract
from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the
movie's ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's
loaded and the deer's in sight.
2. When approaching a 4-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it's impolite
to ask her to bring back beer, too.
5. Don't lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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Re: Extra! Extra! How To Be A Better Redneck!!!

Postby slomo007 » Wed Nov 03, 2004 10:39 am

StlSluggers wrote:4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's
loaded and the deer's in sight.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.


LOL, these are my favorite ones....thanks for waking me up after a long night of waiting/hoping. X-I
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Postby StlSluggers » Wed Nov 03, 2004 10:41 am

The one about dimming the headlights even if the deer is in sight was by far my favorite. I can envision that one happening in my head...

:-b
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Postby slomo007 » Wed Nov 03, 2004 10:44 am

StlSluggers wrote:The one about dimming the headlights even if the deer is in sight was by far my favorite. I can envision that one happening in my head...

:-b


That one, and the U-haul one are probably my absolute favs...but I really liked the others I mentioned as well.
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Re: Extra! Extra! How To Be A Better Redneck!!!

Postby LBJackal » Wed Nov 03, 2004 12:19 pm

StlSluggers wrote:4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral.

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using one's OWN truck keys.


Sadly, these 2 apply to some members of my family. I have to somewhat vacuum my bed sicne I live in a dorm and my bed is my couch, dinner table, and place to sleep. Changing the sheets every day isn't an option, as that would require doing laundry more than once a month. And my dad cleans his ears with matches (not as bad as truck keys I guess) in the kitchen - no idea why. He says they're itchy, but come on.

And at my cousin's wedding, the procession was done entirely on 4-wheelers. That wasn't on any of thsoe lists but I think it should be :-D
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Postby raiders_umpire » Wed Nov 03, 2004 1:00 pm

StlSluggers wrote:2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.




:-D :-D hmmmmm, i have seen this one a couple of times......
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Postby Madison » Wed Nov 03, 2004 6:52 pm

raiders_umpire wrote:
StlSluggers wrote:2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.




:-D :-D hmmmmm, i have seen this one a couple of times......


I'll admit it, I've done it. Called the person on the screen an idiot or said something like "How stupid can you be?". Lol. :-D

This was my favorite though:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using one's OWN truck keys.


Lol. :-b
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Postby kentx12 » Wed Nov 03, 2004 7:40 pm

Lmao... ;-D
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Postby Rico The Retard » Wed Nov 03, 2004 10:32 pm

lol those are good ;-D
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Postby JRM4833 » Thu Nov 04, 2004 11:24 am

:-b :-b
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