There's an old man who goes into a bar and looks at the biggest, baddest, meanest biker and says, "I saw your grandma last night." The biker gives him a look and turns away. "I saw your grandma naked last night." The biker once again gives him a look and turns away. "I screw@#d your grandma last night..." says the old man. "Dammit grandpa, go home!"
A man walks into a bar that is on a rooftop and sees a man jump off and slowly float down, so the man has a few drinks and sees the man jump once more and slowly float down to the ground. so when the man comes up the other man asks how he does it and the man who jumped off says "its this new drink you gatta try it," so the jumping man hands the other man a gallon of this drink and the jumping man says ok now jump. so the man jumps, falls hits the ground and dies, then the still alive man walks of to the bartender and the bartender says "Super man your such an asshole when your drunk".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine, " exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack, " she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
Alcohal Side effects
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
* WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".
* WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Mutual Bad Date
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Bad Choice od Words
A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, let me explain," said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field of cows."
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'".
Oldie but goodie
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, " he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan, " the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were, " says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack, " he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either, " the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan, " the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
these 3 girls went out and partied and got drunk.the next moring they were taking about who did the craziest thing last night.the 1st girl said i was so drunk i run into a stop sign.the second girl says thats nothing i rode up to the mc donalds drive-in in on a bike.the third girl goes thats nothing last night i blowed chunks.the other girls say thats nothin.and then the third girl says no chunks is my dog
Lowdown, disturbing, and immoral.
there was this wanna be pimp who whent up to his hoe one day she said to him baby whey never had a french kiss before how come ?then kailin said well i dont reallyl ike to connect tongues like dots to hoes sorry chrissy disturbe and feeling bad the hoe said if you do ill bring you shopping wanting more clothes he said ok after the kiss was done kailin ask her if she enjoyed it she turned to him and said sorry guy even my fu%$ing dog bear could kiss better than you !
Juvenille 'MOM' Jokes.
Yo mama's so big, her belly button's got an echo.
Yo mama's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back.
Yo mama's so big, she rollerskates on busses.
Yo mama's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers.
Yo mama's so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker.
Yo mama's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings.
Yo mama's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide.
Yo mama's so big, she whistles bass.
Yo mama's so big, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.
Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"
Yo mama's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling.
Yo mama's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings!
Yo mama's so big, when she bent down to tie her shoes, her face got burnt from re-entry.
Yo mama's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes the tide.
Yo mama's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out.
Yo mama's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway.
Yo mama's so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop.
As if that wasnt enough..................... more to come.