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Jokes

Postby baseballchick123 » Sun Jun 13, 2004 3:23 pm

Im bored...anyone have some nice jokes (baseball related or not).

Ill start us off..

There is a large bank from NYC, that is doing a business deal with a wealthy african business man. The president of the bank sends his personal secretary to talk with him, and tells her to "be nice and nto reject him outright."

So the beautiful secretary goes to Africa to discuss business with the man, but she is taken aback when out of the blue he asks her to marry him. She wants to follow the boss' orders and not reject him, so she tries to think of ways to make him not want her.

She says that their are three things she wants from the man she marries. "Ok Ok, tell, tell" the african man is not fluent in english.

"First i want to have a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 100 carat diamond tiara" she says with a grin.

he thinks for a moment and says "Ok Ok, i buy, i buy."

She tries to think of something harder and says "i would like my husband to give me a 100 room mansion in NYC for me to spend my summers in."

He thinks a little bit more, whips out his cell phone and talks with his associates in America and says, "Ok Ok, i build, i build."

She then realizes that this is her last request and tries to think of something impossible, "I would like the man i marry to have a 20inch penis!

He thinks for a LOOOONG time, then eventualy with e very sad face says, "Ok Ok, i cut, i cut."

lol - thats funny, i have some more but are kinda unappropriate, tell me ur fav.!
:-°
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Postby baseballchick123 » Sun Jun 13, 2004 3:38 pm

c'mon people....! im dying here!!

heres another Joke...
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D
"I am free of ALL prejudices, I hate everyone equally." -WC Fields
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Postby ajgnydc722 » Sun Jun 13, 2004 4:21 pm

baseballchick123 wrote:c'mon people....! im dying here!!

heres another Joke...
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D


Heard that one on the radio last week. ;-D
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Re: Jokes

Postby eftda » Sun Jun 13, 2004 5:53 pm

baseballchick123 wrote:He thinks for a LOOOONG time, then eventualy with e very sad face says, "Ok Ok, i cut, i cut."
:-b LOL

[edit]

heres a joke

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..." ;-)
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Postby thetongueofire » Sun Jun 13, 2004 6:32 pm

lol.. some good ones there 'chick and eftda ;-D

heres another one so that all you guys dont die of boredom and stupid "whos the Expos closer today" threads. its called "urinalysis"




One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

:-D
[size=10]Manny Ramirez....$20 million
Pedro Martinez....$17.5 million
Curt Schilling...$12 million (and a $2 million bonus)
Never hearing a Yankee fan chant 1918 again...priceless. [/size]
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Postby DK » Sun Jun 13, 2004 6:34 pm

thetongueofire wrote:lol.. some good ones there 'chick and eftda ;-D

heres another one so that all you guys dont die of boredom and stupid "whos the Expos closer today" threads. its called "urinalysis"




One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

:-D


That's my favorite so far. :-D
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Postby baseballchick123 » Sun Jun 13, 2004 6:53 pm

OK - heres another one:

Theres a beautiful young lady who walks into a police station, saying she has a complaint about a member on the police force.
"Whats your complaint?" asks the chief policeman.

"He said i had nice hair!!" exclaims the lady

"And whats wrong with that?" asks the policeman, "You have very nice hair!"

"He was a midget" she replies.

:-D
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Postby baseballchick123 » Sun Jun 13, 2004 7:01 pm

heres yet another funny joke:

A guy is at a bar chuggin down the beers, lookin all depressed when the bartender asks him why he looks so glum.
"I had a crappy crappy day today..." he remarks.

"really?" asks the bartender, "tell me about it."

"well, i was at a bar like this, when i go home with this realy hot chick. She takes me into her house, and we get naked. We were just about to 'do it' when her boyfriend walks in the door and i need hang on the ledge outside of the window, holding on with just the tips of my fingers!" he exclaims.

"Wow! that is pretty bad.." the bartender says

"thats not the worst part!" he replies, "i have to lay their listening to them screw their heads off, and when their done, he throws his used condom outside the window and onto my face!!!"

"Crap, that is bad" says the bartender, now extremely sympathetic.

"it gets better," he says, " after he throws the condom outside, he says he needs to take a dump, and since their toilet is broken, he loosens his bowels ALL over me and into my mouth too!"

"Your one unlucky dude" comments the bartender.

"But wait, heres the best part," says the fellow with a depressed look, "when i looked down, i saw my feet were 10inches off the ground!"

:-B
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Postby baseballchick123 » Sun Jun 13, 2004 8:16 pm

Man u guys...have u no sense of humor! ...or good Jokes??

one more then i quit:

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your arse!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.


hehe... :-b
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Postby DK » Sun Jun 13, 2004 8:22 pm

baseballchick123 wrote:Man u guys...have u no sense of humor! ...or good Jokes??

one more then i quit:

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your arse!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.


hehe... :-b


I've heard that one before. Still a classic. ;-D :-D
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