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Asking for a little advice.

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Re: Asking for a little advice.

Postby buffalobillsrul2002 » Sat Sep 22, 2012 7:05 pm

jfg wrote:
Madison wrote: I am sorry, but it sure sounds like there has to be more to this. You didn't say anything about your mental faculties other than you're "drained", so what's the difference between you and her? Meaning why can you handle it, but she can't? You know her infinitely better than I do. Might be a good place to start in order to figure all of this out, because there has to be more if you are honestly concerned about her well being and not overreacting or something. It isn't normal or natural for someone to lose their mind due to a 48 hour work week. <----- Read that last sentence again, because it cannot get any more true than that. So you need to figure out what the problem actually is, and address it. Make no mistake, there is no easy fix and if you dance around it, ignore it, hope it goes away, or can't figure out what it is, then it won't get any better. I honestly hate to say it, but it sure sounds like it's going to get worse before it gets better in this case. D


Madison, this is good advice. It just isn't helpful at all to hear what you said before. Maybe you meant well, but it was just infuriating to lay my personal life down in a public forum,something I very rarely do, and get ridiculed like that.

I'm trying to find some women who have been in the same spot. It's not the same if I was working 50 hours. She's breast feeding so even her breaks at work aren't a reprieve from the day. She literally has no downtime from 6am when she wakes up until 10 pm when I get home from work. We don't work the same schedule so I can't be there to lighten the load when she gets home other than on my days off. But, I do agree that I need to figure out if there's something I need to do for her. She hates her job even before the 8 hour change and I don't understand why. I haven't gone to her workplace but it doesn't sound terrible other than some bad management. She keeps telling me she's going to quit but I just don't acknowledge it anymore when she says it because we both know she's stuck there until something else comes along. I really do think its fair to use the overqualified card. She took it off her resume for five applications and received two interviews...two more than the past year of applications. These aren't law jobs, they're a lot of non-profit stuff, desk jobs, secretary, etc. We don't know why she didn't get one of the jobs, but with the other interview, they loved her, brought her back in to meet management, but they must have found her law profile online at some point in between because they told her they needed somebody who was going to be with them for life.


I agree with Madison here that the 8-hour bump in time isn't the problem (or at least shouldn't be). In fact, because it's time and a half it almost should be beneficial to her. However, it's clear that there is a problem here that needs to be looked into.

One thing I would say is that if the job itself is a problem, then your wife needs to get out and try to continue hunting for a different, and she should be creative in looking for different jobs. I know of many many firms who will hire outside of the field where someone went to college, even at the graduate level.

Also I would say that the problem could be something with your wife... there is likely a problem that has nothing to do with the job. Communication is the key (and this isn't always easy).
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Re: Asking for a little advice.

Postby jfg » Sun Sep 23, 2012 1:43 pm

All women hate their jobs
All women think their managers suck
All women say they're going to quit
All women know they're stuck


:-b

I'm pretty sure that the 8 hour bump is just the final straw for her. I feel bad because she really has worked diligently to find another job. She's not just complaining about it and then not doing anything to fix it. It's not about the hours, and now that I think about it, it's probably not about being overwhelmed either. It's frustration that all of her hard work over the past 10 years is not panning out to anything. I do wish I could give her the option to quit and focus all of her time to finding a job that she will be happy with, but that option just doesn't exist.
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Re: Asking for a little advice.

Postby jfg » Sun Sep 23, 2012 2:37 pm

Madison, I just reread all of this, and looking back, your first post doesn't read the same as it did the other night. I was very overwhelmed, and I apologize for snapping.
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Re: Asking for a little advice.

Postby Skin Blues » Sun Sep 23, 2012 10:42 pm

You deserved to snap, that was very judgmental and not helpful in the least. Not so much the first post, but the second one which laid out the veiled intent of his initial comment. Unfortunately it's very typical of some people to dismiss any emotional issues (you mean we're NOT all the same?!) and automatically blame people for being lazy and not taking responsibility for themselves if they have a problem. The old "I did it, so you can do it" point of view is not always applicable. Yes, there are lazy people. But there are also people with legitimate mental issues which are often exacerbated by having a baby. Obviously some people don't believe in that voodoo science.

It seems there's no option but having her take on the extra hours, so maybe you can find a job where you can be home earlier to take care of the baby and lighten the load for her. You said it was an entry level job so a switch might not be as difficult. It won't be easy obviously, but it would probably help. I've gone through similar issues with my girlfriend as she was working two jobs for a long time, full time through the week and then weekends and holidays she worked 12 hour shifts at another job and she was fine for a long time. 70-80 hours a week for quite some time with no days off, and she was fine. But she's also had some personal issues and other stresses, and now is having a hard time even working part time while finishing her last semester of college. It's not easy and I understand how situations can change. You're addressing the issue rather than ignoring it or getting angry so as an outsider, it seems like you have the right approach. Good luck.
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Re: Asking for a little advice.

Postby Madison » Sun Sep 23, 2012 11:26 pm

jfg wrote:Madison, this is good advice. It just isn't helpful at all to hear what you said before. Maybe you meant well, but it was just infuriating to lay my personal life down in a public forum,something I very rarely do, and get ridiculed like that.

I'm trying to find some women who have been in the same spot. It's not the same if I was working 50 hours. She's breast feeding so even her breaks at work aren't a reprieve from the day. She literally has no downtime from 6am when she wakes up until 10 pm when I get home from work. We don't work the same schedule so I can't be there to lighten the load when she gets home other than on my days off. But, I do agree that I need to figure out if there's something I need to do for her. She hates her job even before the 8 hour change and I don't understand why. I haven't gone to her workplace but it doesn't sound terrible other than some bad management. She keeps telling me she's going to quit but I just don't acknowledge it anymore when she says it because we both know she's stuck there until something else comes along. I really do think its fair to use the overqualified card. She took it off her resume for five applications and received two interviews...two more than the past year of applications. These aren't law jobs, they're a lot of non-profit stuff, desk jobs, secretary, etc. We don't know why she didn't get one of the jobs, but with the other interview, they loved her, brought her back in to meet management, but they must have found her law profile online at some point in between because they told her they needed somebody who was going to be with them for life.


Sorry for the delayed response. Life gets in the way a lot nowadays. But you can relate. :-D

Again, it wasn't supposed to come across the way you took it. I was only trying to find out what we are not being told. I do apologize that it came across wrong though. Anyway, off to more productive stuff. :-)

Getting her some girlfriends is a good idea. She'll be able to vent with them, see that she's not the only one working hard, and even see some people doing even more than her. All of which would help her mental state some.

I know breastfeeding is healthier and all that jazz, and I'm sure you guys have discussed formula, but it might be a good idea to revisit that conversation and see if it is really worth the effort. For what it's worth, I know of no one who suffered at all being on formula instead of the breast.

Do you guys cook in batches? I know some people hate leftovers, but we do batches of some stuff like spaghetti and meatballs, shrimp alfredo, fried chicken and sides, and stuff like that which gives us easy to microwave meals for days where there just isn't any time to cook.

Hmm... why does she hate her job? Would be a good thing to find out. Could be the bad management you mentioned, stuff like that drives me nuts as well, but maybe it's something else that's bothering her about it. Co-workers, the transport to and from, boring, etc, etc, etc. Maybe there is really something going on that she just doesn't want to burden you with about it, but you do need to know so it can be addressed and fixed (easier said than done of course, but knowing is the first step and it is important).

"Overqualified" is just an excuse employers use when they don't want to (or legally can't) be honest. Most employers don't want a lawyer working for them unless they are working as a lawyer. Country is far too sue happy and has far too many worthless lawsuits filed from all kinds of crazy directions. So I'm sure that's costing her some interviews, but that isn't something an employer would typically say out loud, so they go with "overqualified" as a fake reason. A newborn is costing her as well. Mothers (parents in general) aren't highly valued due to the kid having needs that could/will take the parent away from work. Be it shots, colds, doctor visits, school stuff, and the list is a mile long, but employers want employees they can count on 24/7. People without kids are more highly sought in a lot of positions because they are more likely to be there 24/7 if needed, where as a parent is not. Again though, that's not something an employer would admit to, so again, the BS "overqualified" excuse falls out of their mouths. That being said, those two things wouldn't cost her all interviews though (799 out of 800 you said). There's got to be more. Is her resume outdated? Wrong words being used? What's on it that could/would turn employers off? I'd be happy to review it if you like and tell you what I see. Can PM me if you want, up to you.

jfg wrote:Madison, I just reread all of this, and looking back, your first post doesn't read the same as it did the other night. I was very overwhelmed, and I apologize for snapping.


Again, no worries. Sorry it came across wrong.
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Re: Asking for a little advice.

Postby Madison » Sun Sep 23, 2012 11:28 pm

Skin Blues wrote:You deserved to snap, that was very judgmental and not helpful in the least. Not so much the first post, but the second one which laid out the veiled intent of his initial comment. Unfortunately it's very typical of some people to dismiss any emotional issues (you mean we're NOT all the same?!) and automatically blame people for being lazy and not taking responsibility for themselves if they have a problem. The old "I did it, so you can do it" point of view is not always applicable. Yes, there are lazy people. But there are also people with legitimate mental issues which are often exacerbated by having a baby. Obviously some people don't believe in that voodoo science.


Turn around and bend over. If you're going to talk out of your arse, you might as well let me see it. :-b
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Yes doctor, there will be blood.....
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Re: Asking for a little advice.

Postby AussieDodger » Mon Sep 24, 2012 3:35 am

Some options:

1. You could become a house-husband/maricon O:-)

2. You could get your mother-in-law to move in with you for the 4 months (if possible)

3. You could schedule an epic holiday for the end of the 4 months, to give her something worth getting up for. The planning of it would give your wife something positive to think about right now too.


Madison wrote:Turn around and bend over. If you're going to talk out of your arse, you might as well let me see it. :-b


made me laugh (and wasn't a canned joke)


:-b
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Re: Asking for a little advice.

Postby GiantsFan14 » Mon Sep 24, 2012 11:19 am

AussieDodger wrote:3. You could schedule an epic holiday for the end of the 4 months, to give her something worth getting up for. The planning of it would give your wife something positive to think about right now too.


Might be the first good advice Aussie has ever given on these forums. I know my girlfriend pretty much has to have something to look forward to or she's just miserable at work. We just plan little getaways every few months and she's happy as a clam.
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Re: Asking for a little advice.

Postby Tavish » Mon Sep 24, 2012 2:51 pm

Madison wrote:"Overqualified" is just an excuse employers use when they don't want to (or legally can't) be honest. Most employers don't want a lawyer working for them unless they are working as a lawyer. Country is far too sue happy and has far too many worthless lawsuits filed from all kinds of crazy directions. So I'm sure that's costing her some interviews, but that isn't something an employer would typically say out loud, so they go with "overqualified" as a fake reason.

Being overqualified for a job is something that extremely common and very likely has nothing to do with some veiled anti-lawyer agenda. I've come across it quite often when looking for secondary work and my company has a very similar hiring practice in place. The base reason for it is that if a person is well overqualified for a position they generally are using the job as a stop-gap until they can find a job that is closer to their qualifications (which usually means meets their pay expectations). For some companies that isn't that big of a deal and it used to not be a big deal for our company especially if the training investment for new employees is fairly low. But when we picked up contracts that required drug screening and full background checks for all employees along with added training, it wasn't feasible to hire highly overqualified applicants with an expectation of them only being there a few months.

It absolutely does suck for people who are trying to find a job and to be told they are overqualified, but it just a common part of the job market. Companies will play the percentages and reduce their risk even if that means missing out on that random gem.
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Re: Asking for a little advice.

Postby jfg » Mon Sep 24, 2012 3:04 pm

Yeah, the one interview she had where she got to the last step was a secretary for a lawyer. The lawyer was in his early 50's and he turned her down because he wanted somebody that would be there with him until he retired. That's insane, you can hope to get 15 years out of somebody, but there's no guarantee with anybody that they'll stay. Too many employers hire based on how long they think they will be in a position instead of what a person can give the company right now. If it' a good fit, both parties won't want to look elsewhere.
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