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Jokes Post

Postby CadensDad » Sun Mar 08, 2009 1:13 pm

Figured we all know enough to have a thread, here is one to start us off.


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
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Re: Jokes Post

Postby ayebatter » Sun Mar 08, 2009 1:24 pm

:-D
So-Cal 25 Club _762_
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Re: Jokes Post

Postby CadensDad » Mon Mar 09, 2009 1:47 am

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am?" The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet a above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but some how; now it's my fault.


(Lets not get this into a political debate.)
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Re: Jokes Post

Postby Dan Lambskin » Mon Mar 09, 2009 12:49 pm

A woman is in her psychiatrist's office when suddenly she shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"

The Doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."

About 10 minutes later the woman again shouts out, "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"

Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."

Finally, another 5 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."
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Re: Jokes Post

Postby Neato Torpedo » Mon Mar 09, 2009 12:59 pm

The Atlanta Braves
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Rocinante2: you know
Rocinante2: its easy to dismiss the orioles as a bad team
ofanrex: go on
Rocinante2: i'm done
Rocinante2: lmao

Play Brushback Baseball! (we need more people)
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Re: Jokes Post

Postby phillyphan12 » Mon Mar 09, 2009 2:36 pm

Dan Lambskin wrote:A woman is in her psychiatrist's office when suddenly she shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"

The Doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."

About 10 minutes later the woman again shouts out, "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"

Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."

Finally, another 5 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."


Best one yet :-D ...and following Neato`s 2 word path ill say this...NY Mets :-b :-b
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Re: Jokes Post

Postby Metroid » Mon Mar 09, 2009 4:41 pm

A giraffe walks into a bar and says "High balls on me!" :-B
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