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Age Difference in Dating

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Re: Age Difference in Dating

Postby Snakes Gould » Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:19 pm

bigh0rt wrote:
Omaha Red Sox wrote:
Polar Bear wrote:I think 18 is a good bench mark. I know of plenty 18 year olds that are mature.


No you don't.

No, maybe you don't. But I certainly do, and I have no problem believing that PB does as well. I had several of them in my classes this past year, and in previous years. This all or nothing mentality that people seem to have is so disheartening -- sure there are plenty who meet the stereotypes, but to think that some people don't open their eyes and see what's right in front of them is a little troubling.



i sure hope they arent mature enough for you to be tempted }:-) :-b
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Re: Age Difference in Dating

Postby Polar Bear » Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:27 pm

That brings me to the subject of marrying early, which you touched upon, Polar Bear. Now I've known many of my old high school friends/classmates that married around the age of 19-20 and the interesting part was they married their high school sweethearts. It's so easy to fall in love, to be in love, and to know what kind of ramifications/obstacles that can come your way as a person, as a married couple, and as a family. Problem is, it's really a leap of faith. One minute you could be heads over heels in love with "the one" and 5 years later, become disenchanted because you feel like you've been held back from what you really want to do in life. When you're 18/19/20, you tend to have an idea of what you want to do in life, but odds are you won't find out until you're 25 or later as to find out what your true calling is. Why's that? Because with greater experience, you've gotten a better idea of what you want to do. The worst part is not having or affording the flexibility to then pursue that goal, whatever it is. Being married and let alone having a family can hold you back, especially when you run into problems. Granted, there's no manual on how to be in relationships, to be in love, or on life in general, which I think is the most exciting reason why we live life anyway, but generally it's easy to be fully prepared for a relationship, it's a lot harder once you're in it. Once you've made your decision, there's no way out, and if there's a way out, it could be emotionally damaging.


I agree and disagree. I would certainly agree that many people around the age of 18-20 like the IDEA of marriage, but haven't got the slightest clue as to what responsibilities marriage requires. They get into marriage because they want to be viewed a certain way as a couple. I saw it all the time in college. I think some of the girls in college went there for the sole purpose of finding a husband. I also saw genuine commitment. Some people don't have ambitious career aspirations. I know of many that just wanted to have a family and raise their kids. That is what made them happy.

I think it depends more on what your ambitions are rather than your age. Ambitions can change at 30 and destroy a marriage.
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Re: Age Difference in Dating

Postby Omaha Red Sox » Wed Jul 09, 2008 5:42 pm

bigh0rt wrote:
Omaha Red Sox wrote:
Polar Bear wrote:I think 18 is a good bench mark. I know of plenty 18 year olds that are mature.


No you don't.

No, maybe you don't. But I certainly do, and I have no problem believing that PB does as well. I had several of them in my classes this past year, and in previous years. This all or nothing mentality that people seem to have is so disheartening -- sure there are plenty who meet the stereotypes, but to think that some people don't open their eyes and see what's right in front of them is a little troubling.


I know there are exceptions, bigh0rt, there always are. But to tell someone they're mature enough on all the necessary levels to be involved in a serious relationship is clouded judgement, I'm sorry. You have a much different relationship with your students than they have with each other, I know you realize that. When it hits the fan and real life happens, 99 times out of 100 an 18-year old will not handle it well.
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Re: Age Difference in Dating

Postby Art Vandelay » Wed Jul 09, 2008 6:21 pm

Omaha Red Sox wrote:
bigh0rt wrote:No, maybe you don't. But I certainly do, and I have no problem believing that PB does as well. I had several of them in my classes this past year, and in previous years. This all or nothing mentality that people seem to have is so disheartening -- sure there are plenty who meet the stereotypes, but to think that some people don't open their eyes and see what's right in front of them is a little troubling.


I know there are exceptions, bigh0rt, there always are. But to tell someone they're mature enough on all the necessary levels to be involved in a serious relationship is clouded judgement, I'm sorry. You have a much different relationship with your students than they have with each other, I know you realize that. When it hits the fan and real life happens, 99 times out of 100 an 18-year old will not handle it well.

Even if this is the case, and 18-year-olds only handle "real life" well 1% of the time (which I don't believe, but am willing to allow for the sake of discussion), isn't the fact that they are given the opportunity to make those choices, to handle things how they wish, right or wrong, that allows them the learn and grow and become 25-year-olds who are better suited to handle real life situations?
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Re: Age Difference in Dating

Postby Omaha Red Sox » Wed Jul 09, 2008 6:44 pm

Art Vandelay wrote:
Omaha Red Sox wrote:
bigh0rt wrote:No, maybe you don't. But I certainly do, and I have no problem believing that PB does as well. I had several of them in my classes this past year, and in previous years. This all or nothing mentality that people seem to have is so disheartening -- sure there are plenty who meet the stereotypes, but to think that some people don't open their eyes and see what's right in front of them is a little troubling.


I know there are exceptions, bigh0rt, there always are. But to tell someone they're mature enough on all the necessary levels to be involved in a serious relationship is clouded judgement, I'm sorry. You have a much different relationship with your students than they have with each other, I know you realize that. When it hits the fan and real life happens, 99 times out of 100 an 18-year old will not handle it well.

Even if this is the case, and 18-year-olds only handle "real life" well 1% of the time (which I don't believe, but am willing to allow for the sake of discussion), isn't the fact that they are given the opportunity to make those choices, to handle things how they wish, right or wrong, that allows them the learn and grow and become 25-year-olds who are better suited to handle real life situations?


Exactly. And, yeah, I'm generalizing. But one year or less removed from being dependant upon your parents is too little of time to be considered mature or ready for real life situations. Involving one's self in a relationship, where a man of 26+ might be getting a career established, considering a family, etc., with a person so young and inexperienced in the nuances of real life would not be beneficial to anyone, as echoed by some in this thread already. It is naive to believe that an average 18-year old can handle the commitments and pressures that come with everyday life as an adult as well as a person in their mid-20s. I know quite a few teenagers and early 20s and can safely say that upon meeting some of them they seem incredibly responsible and it blows my mind, especially compared to myself at that age. However, when you begin to hang out with them more and get to know them better, it becomes clear that they are as inexperienced with real life experiences as I was and, generally, handle it as well as I did.
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Re: Age Difference in Dating

Postby bigh0rt » Wed Jul 09, 2008 7:44 pm

Omaha Red Sox wrote:
bigh0rt wrote:
Omaha Red Sox wrote:No you don't.

No, maybe you don't. But I certainly do, and I have no problem believing that PB does as well. I had several of them in my classes this past year, and in previous years. This all or nothing mentality that people seem to have is so disheartening -- sure there are plenty who meet the stereotypes, but to think that some people don't open their eyes and see what's right in front of them is a little troubling.


I know there are exceptions, bigh0rt, there always are. But to tell someone they're mature enough on all the necessary levels to be involved in a serious relationship is clouded judgment, I'm sorry. You have a much different relationship with your students than they have with each other, I know you realize that. When it hits the fan and real life happens, 99 times out of 100 an 18-year old will not handle it well.

I know that I, personally, at 18, was a putz and a half. I know a lot of my friends were. I know that I am so far removed from a good example to support my argument it's not even funny. I also know I have students who work to support their parents, while going to high school full time. Who write checks to help with rent, or do all of their food shopping for their family (and pay out of pocket), who for all intents and purposes, are the parents of their younger siblings. I also know that I'm 24, and sometimes I'm not mature enough to be involved in a serious relationship, nor are some people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. Again, the stereotype is there for a reason -- and I'm not sure how many teenagers you see per day, but I work with hundreds, and get a much deeper look into their lives than a lot of other people. Do they dress and act like a bunch of vegetative morons quite frequently? Sure. But I reserve passing judgment on them at that level, because I remember how I dressed and how I probably appeared to people when I was 18. When you are given a glimpse deeper into some of these lives you find that these kids will surprise you a lot more than they are given credit for.
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Re: Age Difference in Dating

Postby Omaha Red Sox » Wed Jul 09, 2008 10:44 pm

bigh0rt wrote:I know that I, personally, at 18, was a putz and a half. I know a lot of my friends were. I know that I am so far removed from a good example to support my argument it's not even funny. I also know I have students who work to support their parents, while going to high school full time. Who write checks to help with rent, or do all of their food shopping for their family (and pay out of pocket), who for all intents and purposes, are the parents of their younger siblings. I also know that I'm 24, and sometimes I'm not mature enough to be involved in a serious relationship, nor are some people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. Again, the stereotype is there for a reason -- and I'm not sure how many teenagers you see per day, but I work with hundreds, and get a much deeper look into their lives than a lot of other people. Do they dress and act like a bunch of vegetative morons quite frequently? Sure. But I reserve passing judgment on them at that level, because I remember how I dressed and how I probably appeared to people when I was 18. When you are given a glimpse deeper into some of these lives you find that these kids will surprise you a lot more than they are given credit for.


I don't doubt that at all bigh0rt and admire your respect for your students. I am in no way intentionally showing disrespect for these kids who are in those volatile years, only attempting to explain that most people in their late teens, early twenties are traditionally not the most responsible or show the most devotion to a family, committment, or any hard life experiences.
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Re: Age Difference in Dating

Postby bigh0rt » Wed Jul 09, 2008 10:50 pm

Omaha Red Sox wrote:
bigh0rt wrote:I know that I, personally, at 18, was a putz and a half. I know a lot of my friends were. I know that I am so far removed from a good example to support my argument it's not even funny. I also know I have students who work to support their parents, while going to high school full time. Who write checks to help with rent, or do all of their food shopping for their family (and pay out of pocket), who for all intents and purposes, are the parents of their younger siblings. I also know that I'm 24, and sometimes I'm not mature enough to be involved in a serious relationship, nor are some people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. Again, the stereotype is there for a reason -- and I'm not sure how many teenagers you see per day, but I work with hundreds, and get a much deeper look into their lives than a lot of other people. Do they dress and act like a bunch of vegetative morons quite frequently? Sure. But I reserve passing judgment on them at that level, because I remember how I dressed and how I probably appeared to people when I was 18. When you are given a glimpse deeper into some of these lives you find that these kids will surprise you a lot more than they are given credit for.


I don't doubt that at all bigh0rt and admire your respect for your students. I am in no way intentionally showing disrespect for these kids who are in those volatile years, only attempting to explain that most people in their late teens, early twenties are traditionally not the most responsible or show the most devotion to a family, commitment, or any hard life experiences.

No I definitely agree. 100%. If I implied that you were showing disrespect, all apologies. I just see these inferences made over and over again on a personal level as well as by mainstream America, when the fact is most of them don't have a clue what the average teenager today is beyond the music they listen to, the language they use, and their style of dress (none of which are really doing themselves any favors :-b).

I also feel that a lot of people fail to see outside of the scope of the lifestyle in which they were raised/are accustomed to. I suppose it isn't their fault for not knowing any better, but it's irksome when those people become the loud majority.
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Re: Age Difference in Dating

Postby The Artful Dodger » Thu Jul 10, 2008 12:11 am

Polar Bear wrote:I agree and disagree. I would certainly agree that many people around the age of 18-20 like the IDEA of marriage, but haven't got the slightest clue as to what responsibilities marriage requires. They get into marriage because they want to be viewed a certain way as a couple. I saw it all the time in college. I think some of the girls in college went there for the sole purpose of finding a husband. I also saw genuine commitment. Some people don't have ambitious career aspirations. I know of many that just wanted to have a family and raise their kids. That is what made them happy.

I think it depends more on what your ambitions are rather than your age. Ambitions can change at 30 and destroy a marriage.


No, I'd say that couples at that age that decide to marry don't mean to keep appearances for the sake of it, as a good deal are very sincere about the love and commitment they share, as it should be for any couple irregardless of age. The risk of marrying at that age, as I've said is because people at that stage are in transition. Some people think they have to slay two birds or more with one stone within a 5-7 year period. This means studying/working hard, getting a reasonably good job, paying the bills, maintaining at least a reasonable enough living as a whole, having that social life, and lastly, to find companionship (relationship/marriage). So, when some 18-20 year-olds are in love, genuine love or otherwise, with someone, they feel compelled enough to settle down, thinking they've found someone that's close to perfect to the extent where they both believe they can't possibly louse it up with the bond they currently have.

I'm not generalizing that your 18-23 year olds in a marriage think this way because I'm sure older couples have that kind of belief. However, the potentially disconcerting thing is for someone to wake up and come to the conclusion they've been held back because they rushed through the transition stage and didn't exhaust their options (whether it be single life, a new career, or whatever else).

As I said, there's no one way to do things and neither is a perfect answer; everyone prioritizes differently in what they want out of life. Personally, I do carry a bias towards personal goals/career over dating/relationships and probably what I say reflects this perspective. Believe me, I was once in love and I remember being the guy I've talked about. I was 20-22, swept in the idealism of wanting to be with "the one" for as long as the both of us shall live. Now I'm 25 going on 26 and even though I carry a massive cynicism of love/relationships (I'm very cynical to a fault), I do see it as a good thing. I'm enjoying life more than ever after tackling years of depression but I think that something cynical keeps me driven for something better not just in business, but overall. Never to let my guard down again. :-)
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Re: Age Difference in Dating

Postby Polar Bear » Thu Jul 10, 2008 12:45 pm

The Artful Dodger wrote:
Polar Bear wrote:I agree and disagree. I would certainly agree that many people around the age of 18-20 like the IDEA of marriage, but haven't got the slightest clue as to what responsibilities marriage requires. They get into marriage because they want to be viewed a certain way as a couple. I saw it all the time in college. I think some of the girls in college went there for the sole purpose of finding a husband. I also saw genuine commitment. Some people don't have ambitious career aspirations. I know of many that just wanted to have a family and raise their kids. That is what made them happy.

I think it depends more on what your ambitions are rather than your age. Ambitions can change at 30 and destroy a marriage.


No, I'd say that couples at that age that decide to marry don't mean to keep appearances for the sake of it, as a good deal are very sincere about the love and commitment they share, as it should be for any couple irregardless of age. The risk of marrying at that age, as I've said is because people at that stage are in transition. Some people think they have to slay two birds or more with one stone within a 5-7 year period. This means studying/working hard, getting a reasonably good job, paying the bills, maintaining at least a reasonable enough living as a whole, having that social life, and lastly, to find companionship (relationship/marriage). So, when some 18-20 year-olds are in love, genuine love or otherwise, with someone, they feel compelled enough to settle down, thinking they've found someone that's close to perfect to the extent where they both believe they can't possibly louse it up with the bond they currently have.

I'm not generalizing that your 18-23 year olds in a marriage think this way because I'm sure older couples have that kind of belief. However, the potentially disconcerting thing is for someone to wake up and come to the conclusion they've been held back because they rushed through the transition stage and didn't exhaust their options (whether it be single life, a new career, or whatever else).

As I said, there's no one way to do things and neither is a perfect answer; everyone prioritizes differently in what they want out of life. Personally, I do carry a bias towards personal goals/career over dating/relationships and probably what I say reflects this perspective. Believe me, I was once in love and I remember being the guy I've talked about. I was 20-22, swept in the idealism of wanting to be with "the one" for as long as the both of us shall live. Now I'm 25 going on 26 and even though I carry a massive cynicism of love/relationships (I'm very cynical to a fault), I do see it as a good thing. I'm enjoying life more than ever after tackling years of depression but I think that something cynical keeps me driven for something better not just in business, but overall. Never to let my guard down again. :-)


You and I are more alike then you may think Artful Dodger. I also share that same cynicism in my own personal life, not because I was ever in love, but because I love being single and from what I have seen of marriage life it is a commitment I do not want at this age. Getting married young has some huge disadvantages. One of the huge disadvantages is the financial situation. I know of zero people that got married young that didn't struggle financially. If I had to guess what led to most of the divorces between those couples I would say finances.

I think bigh0rt summed up my belief well on the exceptions though so I won't rehash.
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