As we head toward ESPN’s crowning glory (it’s like Yankees-Red Sox—in the Super Bowl!), those of us in flyover land can do nothing but cringe and hope the New York and New England fans step way out of character and keep relatively quiet. Good luck with that. In case that minor miracle doesn’t happen—and since knowing your enemy is the first step to conquering your enemy—here is a guide to the worst kinds of sports fans to help you through this winter weekend of Chicago’s discontent.
Hyper-analytical head case
Traits: These fans watch live sports only as it relates to their fantasy teams. They aren’t interested in non-fantasy sports teams because they can’t control the rosters. They define a “good season” as “putting up good fantasy numbers.” If they’re baseball fans, it’s likely they’re huge fans of Bill James’ Sabermetrics and have called stats such as batting average “antiquated.”
Example: If you hear cheering at the bar at random—and sometimes inappropriate—times, it’s a fantasy team cheer.
Upturned nose
Traits: They think—no, they know—that they and their cronies are “better” fans than you. Any victory their team garners and any loss their team sustains is that much more meaningful to them because they understand the game on such a deeper level than you can.
I would have liked to see the Hypocritical Fan on there: the fan who criticizes a team for things their team does as well. Example: Red Sox fans saying the Yankees have to spend tons of money to win.
There's also the Patty Hearst Fan: These fans have suffered for so long that they now identify with their captors and make their plight their own. You can see them in much of the Midwest, defending the decisions of the ownership groups, in which they have no stake, to not spend money to improve their team for yet another season.
And the Little Brother Fan: These fans get into your face and under your skin, carping on and on about the success that their franchise is currently experiencing. The minute their team starts having the slightest fits and starts and won't back up their incessant prattle, however, these fans melt into the woodwork, unable to be found.
And the Old and Deluded Fan: These are the fans for whom the Good Old Days were always ten years ago. Held aloof from today's game, these fans sing the praises of the paragons of virtue and humility who used to grace the field and the court; whose every other thought was towards their civic duty and never, ever, ever, about how much they were going to be paid.
0-3 to 4-3. Worst choke in the history of baseball. Enough said.
Traits: These are the most common annoying fans. At least 60 percent of their casual wardrobe is devoted to one team. They are as emotionally involved in off-season transactions as they are in games. <---Yep Will brag about championships far longer than the five-year window of enjoyment.
That's me apart from the 60 percent of wardrobe. 60 percent of my wardrobe is sports clothing, but not all one sport. And I still have quite a bit of Dodgers stuff .
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I am pretty sure i don't fall into the up-turned nose fan category. I get really mad at the morons who chant "yankees suck" at Celtics games.
"I do not think baseball of today is any better than it was 30 years ago... I still think Radbourne is the greatest of the pitchers." John Sullivan 1914-Old athletes never change.
Traits: These are the most common annoying fans. At least 60 percent of their casual wardrobe is devoted to one team. They are as emotionally involved in off-season transactions as they are in games. Will brag about championships far longer than the five-year window of enjoyment.
Example: Bears fans who still cling to Super Bowl XX—leven if they were toddlers then.
Although I was born a month after Super Bowl XX, I can rattle off most, if not all, of the active players on the team. I know, it's sad....
Foam "finger"
Traits: The finger these fans hold up is not the pointer. They devote as much, if not more energy to pointing out the inferiority of their rivals than touting their own team.
Example: Again, too easy. White Sox fans.
The only time I'm like this is when the Red Wings are in town.
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by bigh0rt » Sat Feb 02, 2008 3:26 pm 
Will brag about championships far longer than the five-year window of enjoyment.
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