"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."
"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."
"I’m in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!"
"Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get."
"I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!"