My uncle Humberto.
He solves all of our arguments at home, expecially where we should go eat for Sunday dinner. My Aunt Beatrice always wants Taco Bell, but it gives her explosive gas, which is no fun, combined with her loose bladder and old lady smell. Last week, Humberto suggested Applebee's, which was great because we had a cute waitress who was very nice, even though she had a big mole on her face and she was just kind of sort of obese, but I like em that way. Anyway my brother Marty kept teasing me, calling me a chubby chaser and stuff but I didnt listen, and Humberto told him that he should leave me alone, and if I liked em portly that was my business.
Humberto is my favorite uncle. except for Bobby, because he lets me look at his dirty magazines.
"This word...I do not think it means what you think it means."