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Are The Simpsons Mankind's Greatest Achievement?

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Are The Simpsons Mankind's Greatest Achievement?

Postby JRM4833 » Thu Jul 26, 2007 2:15 pm

Well, as the movie inches closer and closer, the debate rages over mankind's greatest achievement. Fire? The wheel? Sex? According to this article, it's The Simpsons.

The Simpsons Vs. Civilization: Why Springfield's First Family Is Mankind's Greatest Achievement

by Genevieve Koski, Josh Modell, Noel Murray, Sean O'Neal, Kyle Ryan
July 25th, 2007

Humanity has made so many advances over the millennia that comparing their respective merits seems futile. Really, who could settle an argument pitting the wheel vs. the computer? (Besides weirdo philosophy majors with a lot of free time, that is.) The A.V. Club won't argue for either, because neither compares to The Simpsons. The long-running Fox show about an unstable American family—which makes the jump to the big screen July 24—isn't just the finest television show of its era. it's better than everything else, ever. And for proof, we had to look no further than the show itself.

The Simpsons Vs. Public Education

Opponent's advantage: Provides free education to every kid in America, whether they want it or not.

But The Simpsons… consistently portrays the public-education system as a mind-numbing exercise in futility, with lazy teachers and administrators relying on standardized exams such as the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT) and sweet, sweet teachers' editions to mold the young minds of Springfield.

Representative quote: "That's two independent-thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are overstimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms." —Principal Skinner

The Simpsons Vs. Sex

Opponent's advantage: Feels good, perpetuates the species, brings couples closer together.

But The Simpsons… has insightfully satirized sex's influence on Western culture, particularly how it's repackaged to sell consumer goods and services. And hey, the 22-minute episodes last longer than most couples' intercourse.

Representative quote: "Marge, there's just too much pressure—what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex." —Homer, avoiding Marge's come-ons

The Simpsons Vs. World Travel

Opponent's advantage: Experiencing other cultures firsthand helps broaden understanding of how our human similarities outweigh our differences.

But The Simpsons… proves that visits to Brazil, London, Tokyo, and anywhere else on the map can only end in destruction, embarrassment, and possible military extraction.

Representative quote: "Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense," according to the U.S. Undersecretary Of State For International Protocol (Brat And Punk Division), regarding the corporal punishment slated for Bart's after his Australia hijinks

The Simpsons Vs. Organized Religion

Opponent's advantage: Gives masses something to believe in, thus preventing total anarchy. Promotes helpful social contracts.

But The Simpsons… holds belief in higher powers up to the magnifying glass of shameful truth, proving it's used as a tonic rather than a cure. Boobish neighbor Ned Flanders, representing everything boring and ridiculous about blind faith, even recognizes the futility: "I've done everything the Bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!"

Representative quote: "Ned, have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same." —Reverend Lovejoy, exasperated by Flanders

The Simpsons Vs. Fine Art

Opponent's advantage: Supplies society with beauty, insight, and snobbery.

But The Simpsons… generally considers fine art above the heads of the plebian Springfieldian public. (A sign in the local art gallery reminds, "No shirt, no shoes, no chardonnay.") The exceptions are always-erudite Lisa and former art student/Ringo Starr portraitist Marge. Homer also dabbled in "outsider art," taunting Jasper Johns and flooding Springfield's streets in a Christo-like stunt.

Representative quote: "Is it a masterpiece, or just some guy with his pants down?" —Kent Brockman, about Michelangelo's David

The Simpsons Vs. Health Care

Opponent's advantage: Keeps us alive, has access to all the best drugs.

But The Simpsons… forces Springfield's sickos to choose between corruption or incompetence: either Dr. Julius Hibbert, the pamphlet-toting, "wowwy-pop"-prescribing head of an HMO (that's "Hibbert's Moneymaking Organization"), or Dr. Nick "Hi, Everybody" Riviera, a graduate of Club Med School who will perform any procedure for only $129.95.

Representative quote: "The coroner? I'm so sick of that guy! Well, see you in the operating place!" —Dr. Nick Riviera

The Simpsons Vs. Reading

Opponent's advantage: Passes along the acquired knowledge of civilization. Teaches future generations about mistakes and triumphs past so they may advance as human beings.

But The Simpsons… knows that books only work if people are reading them. Homer, representing the great unwashed American in all of us, doesn't read. Only Lisa considers it a worthwhile pursuit, and she's ridiculed for it.

Representative quote: Lisa: "List your three favorite books and how they have influenced your life." Homer: "Is TV Guide a book?"

The Simpsons Vs. Fandom

Opponent's advantage: Those who slavishly adore all things pop culture keep The Simpsons (not to mention The A.V. Club) in business.

But The Simpsons… knowingly skewers the social awkwardness, flabby physiques, and condescending attitudes that are the hallmarks of pop-culture obsessives like the Comic Book Guy—an obvious stand-in both for the show's fans (particularly the relentlessly negative commenters on the show's websites and newsgroups) and for the writers themselves. Matt Groening himself has said that one of his all-time favorite lines comes from "Treehouse Of Horror VIII," when Comic Book Guy faces down an approaching nuclear missile with, "Ohhh, I've wasted my life."

Representative quotes: Bart: "They're giving you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? If anything, you owe them!" Comic Book Guy: "Worst. Episode. Ever."

The Simpsons Vs. Constitutional Democracy

Opponent's advantage: Lets citizens control their government, and by extension, their lives.

But The Simpsons… has continually shown how citizens subvert democracy through complacency and scandal. That's personified in "Diamond Joe" Quimby, Springfield's "illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spendocrat" mayor, whose constituency embraces his abject corruption.

Representative quote: "When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn't work!" —Homer, after Springfieldians vote to deport illegal immigrants

The Simpsons Vs. The Internet

Opponent's advantage: Revolutionized the way information is shared, connected the world, made it possible to live without ever leaving your house.

But The Simpsons… has repeatedly lampooned how people use the Internet's vast resources for trite, pointless pursuits. Take Homer's first attempt at a website, from season 12's "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes": an excruciating amalgam of screaming mouths, alarm clocks, bells, inchworms, flying toasters, and a dancing Jesus.

Representative quote: "Oh, a dancing Jesus! If there's a better use for the Internet, I haven't found it!" —Homer

The Simpsons Vs. Dreaming

Opponent's advantage: Provides insight into our unexpressed hopes and fears, sparks our creativity, resets the brain for the next busy day.

But The Simpsons… offers colorfully illustrated hallucinations about everything from Winsor McCay-esque slumberlands to European hamlets made entirely of chocolate. Who needs to dream, when Homer will do it for you?

Representative quote: Homer dreams up an entire product, asking Apu, "Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?" When Apu says no such product exists, Homer answers, "Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles."

The Simpsons Vs. Everything That Has Ever Aired On TV

Opponent's advantage: Brought the world into people's homes long before the Internet. Gave us the Moon landing, 24-hour news, Cheers.

But The Simpsons… turned a standard, though animated, situation comedy into the definitive chronicle of American life in the late 20th/early 21st centuries. Future historians will have no better research material.

Representative quote: "Television—teacher, mother, secret lover!" —Homer, after a portable TV ends his homicidal rage.


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So what say you people?
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Re: Are The Simpsons Mankind's Greatest Achievement?

Postby JRM4833 » Thu Jul 26, 2007 2:18 pm

101 greatest Simpson quotes of all time:

Homer: D’oh.

Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible.

Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”

Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

Troy McClure: Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!

Comic Book Guy: The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…

Homer: Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!

Ned Flanders: I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!

Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies.

Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.

Sideshow Bob: I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.

Nelson: Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!

Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish?
And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*

Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”

Comic Book Guy: Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.

Homer: Save me, Jeebus.

Mayor Quimby: I stand by my racial slur.

Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Homer: You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?

Homer: Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

Homer: Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?

Chief Wiggum: Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything’s a sin. [holds up a Bible] Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.

Homer: You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity.

Smithers: Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.”

Hans Moleman: I was saying “Boo-urns.”

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Homer: Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems.

Homer: When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

Chief Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Homer: Homer no function beer well without.

Duffman: Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO!

Grandpa Simpson: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Homer: Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Troy McClure: Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”

Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.

Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!

Mr. Burns: I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Kent Brockman: …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Homer: You don’t win friends with salad.

Mr. Burns: I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children.

Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico?

Homer: He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?!

Comic Book Guy: But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life.

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Superintendent Chalmers: I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…

Mr. Burns: What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?

Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.

Ralph: Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.

Homer: Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

Frink: Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who’s been screwing with this thing?

Apu: Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work.

Milhouse: We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.

Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

Homer: Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Milhouse: Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish!

Homer: I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

Smithers: I’m allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.

Barney: Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!

Principal Skinner: That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

Sideshow Bob: Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!

Barney: Jesus must be spinning in his grave!

Superintendent Chalmers: “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

Mr. Burns: [answering the phone] Ahoy hoy?

Comic Book Guy: Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that’s a *really* useful invention!

Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

Homer: What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

Marge: Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!

Bill Gates: I didn’t get rich by signing checks.

Principal Skinner: Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.

Homer: Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

Homer: And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.

Comic Book Guy: Human contact: the final frontier.

Homer: I hope I didn’t brain my damage.

Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Homer: I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country.

Homer: Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.

Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.

Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.

Krusty the Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…

Milhouse: I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

Apu: Thank you, steal again.

Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Ed Begley Jr.: I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

Bart: I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.

Homer: How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.


I highlighted a few of my own personal favorites.
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Re: Are The Simpsons Mankind's Greatest Achievement?

Postby Dan Lambskin » Thu Jul 26, 2007 2:58 pm

Homer: You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.


;-D

Homer: You don’t win friends with salad


;-D ;-D

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.


;-D ;-D :*)
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Re: Are The Simpsons Mankind's Greatest Achievement?

Postby pdlata » Thu Jul 26, 2007 3:24 pm

Homer: How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. :-b :-b :-b
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Re: Are The Simpsons Mankind's Greatest Achievement?

Postby josebach » Thu Jul 26, 2007 3:26 pm

Chief Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.


:-b
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Re: Are The Simpsons Mankind's Greatest Achievement?

Postby StlSluggers » Thu Jul 26, 2007 3:33 pm

Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!

:-D
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Re: Are The Simpsons Mankind's Greatest Achievement?

Postby Absolutely Adequate » Fri Jul 27, 2007 8:15 am

My buddy Dan and I have been waiting for this movie since the Simpsons were on Tracey Ullman. To give you an indication of how excited I am:

1. I got up this morning at 6:30, unable to sleep.
2. He's taking the day off work so we can catch a matinee.
3. I flew back from Europe a week earlier than I planned because the movie was coming out.
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Re: Are The Simpsons Mankind's Greatest Achievement?

Postby The Artful Dodger » Fri Jul 27, 2007 1:01 pm

Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible.


That's the classic Ralph Wiggum quote. An underrated one that I like is when Ralph says, "Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!" I sometimes use that as an away message when I'm napping. ;-D

Comic Book Guy: The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…


Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: [stares blankly for a few seconds] Can I have some money now?

Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.


:-b

Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?


:-b ;-D

Homer: You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity.


I liked that quote where Homer while watching Troy McClure in a spoof of The Ten Commandments where he says, "God is my favorite fictional character" or something to that effect.

Grandpa Simpson: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.


Haha, my favorite Abe Simpson quote is this one when Homer takes over a U.S. submarine into Russian waters:

"My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist...but he's not a pornstar!"
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Re: Are The Simpsons Mankind's Greatest Achievement?

Postby bigken117 » Fri Jul 27, 2007 2:02 pm

Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.
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Re: Are The Simpsons Mankind's Greatest Achievement?

Postby cordscords » Fri Jul 27, 2007 5:05 pm

Wiggum: Mrs. Simpson I'm afraid we have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA!
Marge: Oh my god he's dead!
Wiggum: Oh I meant DWI! I always get those 2 mixed up.
*Hangs up. Woman walks in.*
Woman: Hi my name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DWI.
Wiggum: Uh........why dont you go talk to that officer over there.
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