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Onion: Gonzalez has Amnesia!

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Onion: Gonzalez has Amnesia!

Postby Coppermine » Fri Jun 22, 2007 9:59 pm

DISCLAIMER: The following is an article that was written by "The Onion." Many of you don't find the onion witty or interesting, and to you I suggest moving on and not reading a single word. It also pokes fun (mildly and a-politically) at the Attorney General. If this kind of thing might upset you, again, please move on. :D

Shaking Off Amnesia, Gonzales Remembers He's Actually Pool Salesman From Tulsa

WASHINGTON, DC—Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' future was thrown further into jeopardy Friday when he was accidentally struck by a boom microphone, reversing a years-long case of amnesia and causing him to remember his true identity as hotshot Tulsa, OK pool and spa salesman "Cabana Al" Gonzales.

Gonzales asks Congress to let him return to his real career as soon as possible.

"My God, what am I doing here?" a dazed Gonzales asked reporters in what they assured him was indeed his office. "The last thing I remember is slipping on some wet redwood decking out by the Boswicks' 16-by-48-foot in-ground El Tropico—beautiful pool, that one, with a hefty seven-percent commission attached—and then suddenly I'm waking up three years older, 25 pounds heavier, and defending my actions in the firing of eight federal prosecutors. Somebody has obviously made a really big mistake."

"Clearly, I should not be seventh in line for the presidency," Gonzales said. "Can I go home now?"

After being informed of the details of his recent legal career, including his opinion that the writ of habeas corpus is not represented in the Constitution and that law enforcement officers do not in fact need warrants to listen to phone calls made by private citizens, Gonzales expressed regret over "whatever it was [he] did" and apologized to anyone he may have inconvenienced by his actions over the past three years.

White House doctors say Gonzales' amnesia seems to have been completely eradicated, leaving him dazed, shaken, and unable to explain how he became the chief law enforcement officer of the federal government.

"Law never really interested me much," Gonzales said. "Got a brother-in-law who's a lawyer. Sold him a pool, actually. But that's it."

Archived footage from Tulsa local television found by Senate investigators shows him in several local commercials touting "Cabana Al" as "the pool salesman Tulsa trusts" as late as November 2004, mere days before Bush announced he would nominate Gonzales to succeed John Ashcroft for Bush's second term. Furthermore, voluntarily taken polygraph tests indicate that Gonzales has absolutely no idea how he came to be placed in his current job, where he is in charge of a $40 billion budget and more than 110,000 employees.

"Why the hell would anyone appoint me, of all people, to this position?" Gonzales asked. "All I know about law is a couple of local Tulsa zoning ordinances restricting how big a pool you can put in various-sized suburban lots. Hey, I didn't change any of those while I...when you all thought I was.... No? Man, what a shame."

The Senate has decided against holding a no-confidence vote on Gonzales, as those who opposed the attorney general believe their point has been made, and those who supported him acknowledge that he himself is pleading to be excused from duties so that he can return to the greater Tulsa area as soon as possible.

"It's already full-blown summer, and if I'm going to sell any in-ground units this year I have to start digging by the end of June or they won't be ready until September almost, and the commission on above-ground stuff is just pathetic," Gonzales told Congress.

The attorney general has so far rejected Bush's offers to strike him upon the head in an attempt to reverse his sudden, unexpected amnesia cure and restore him to his former mental state. On the advice of counsel, all of whom, it has been verified, are actual lawyers, Gonzales has said he will not comment further on White House business, except to say that, if the president is interested, he could hook him up with a good deal on a three-season heated "Olympia model" for the Rose Garden.


Posters thoughts: I was drunk and thought the idea of Alberto Gonzalez being a pool salesman from Tulsa was mildly amusing. Pardon my ignorance.

Everyboday happy now? ;)
Last edited by Coppermine on Sat Jun 23, 2007 1:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Gonzalez has Amnesia!

Postby Snakes Gould » Sat Jun 23, 2007 4:52 am

onion :t
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Re: Gonzalez has Amnesia!

Postby wrveres » Sat Jun 23, 2007 12:16 pm

Don't you hate it when people just post somebody else's work, and don't even say a thing. No opinion, no thought. Hell, no link.
(Which is actually the best considering the sorry arse source here.)

Just basically says, "here, look what somebody else did".
Heck we don't even know if the original poster thought is was funny, lame, nothing. Nope he just forces us to read a few paragraphs before we realize a) it is not even funny, actually it is stupid. and B) we are wasting our time.

why?
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Re: Gonzalez has Amnesia!

Postby Coppermine » Sat Jun 23, 2007 1:08 pm

Well, I thought it was pretty obvious that it was the onion... and I put in quotes so it was clear I didn't write it.

As for anything else, I was pretty drunk when I posted it. Feel free to ask a mod to delete it if it makes everyone feel better.
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Re: Gonzalez has Amnesia!

Postby Amazinz » Sat Jun 23, 2007 1:53 pm

I'll change the title but I guessed right off from the title what this was and who it was by lol. My opinion on the subject matter aside, it's a funny read. ;)
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Re: Gonzalez has Amnesia!

Postby teddy ballgame » Sat Jun 23, 2007 4:12 pm

wrveres wrote:Nope he just forces us to read a few paragraphs

Really? He forces you?
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Re: Gonzalez has Amnesia!

Postby Pokeyouindaeye » Sat Jun 23, 2007 8:24 pm

teddy ballgame wrote:
wrveres wrote:Nope he just forces us to read a few paragraphs

Really? He forces you?



What? No e-gun pops up and threatens to pop an e-cap in your face?
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Re: Gonzalez has Amnesia!

Postby Coppermine » Sat Jun 23, 2007 10:37 pm

Pokeyouindaeye wrote:
teddy ballgame wrote:
wrveres wrote:Nope he just forces us to read a few paragraphs

Really? He forces you?



What? No e-gun pops up and threatens to pop an e-cap in your face?


In all honestly, when wr first visited this thread and started reading, i did have an e-gun pop up specifically for him, forcing him to read the first few paragraphs. Hence his annoyance. It was loaded with blanks though, i swear.
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Re: Onion: Gonzalez has Amnesia!

Postby Pokeyouindaeye » Sun Jun 24, 2007 12:50 am

Man, remind me to never mess with you over the 'net.
Yes, I was, uh... I was thinking about ordering the tape, the videotape... about the college girls and the... the wild... the wildness. They're going wild or something? Somebody told me... about going wild.
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Re: Gonzalez has Amnesia!

Postby PlayingWithFire » Sun Jun 24, 2007 4:07 am

Coppermine wrote:
Pokeyouindaeye wrote:
teddy ballgame wrote:Really? He forces you?



What? No e-gun pops up and threatens to pop an e-cap in your face?


In all honestly, when wr first visited this thread and started reading, i did have an e-gun pop up specifically for him, forcing him to read the first few paragraphs. Hence his annoyance. It was loaded with blanks though, i swear.


That's even more scary! How big was the gun that a 6"6' man can fit inside? :o

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