Master of Human Anatomy
"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres."
"They've taken the foot off Johnny Grubb. Uhh, they've taken the shoe off Johnny Grubb."
"From the way Denny's shaking his head, he's either got an injured shoulder or a gnat in his eye."
"That noise in my earphones knocked my nose off and I had to pick it up and find it."
"Edwards missed getting Stearns at third base by an eyeball."
"Rich Folkers is throwing up in the bullpen."
"Mike Caldwell, the Padres' right-handed southpaw, will pitch tonight."
"I sure hope you're staying alive for the upcoming Dodgers series."
"The ex-left-hander Dave Roberts will be going for Houston."
"It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader."
"Tony Gwynn, the fat batter behind Finley, is waiting.
Lover of Nature
"Sometimes, big trees grow out of acorns. I think I heard that from a squirrel."
"Gonzo leaps like a giraffe and grabs it."
"Ron Guidry is not very big, maybe 140 pounds, but he has an arm like a lion."
"Shirley and Griffey get along like a rattler and a parrot."
"Turner pulls into second with a sun-blown double."
(At Kansas City Royals Stadium) "The sky is so clear today you can see all the way to Missouri."
"Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?"
"Tony Taylor was one of the first acquisitions that the Phillies made when they reconstructed their team. They got him from Philadelphia."
"And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is that Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter, Kansas City leads in the eighth, 4 to 4."
"The new Haitian baseball can't weigh more than four ounces or less than five."
"Montreal leads Atlanta by three, 5-1."
"That's Hendrick's 19th home run. One more and he reaches double figures."
"Last night's homer was Willie Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500."
"Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening."
"That's the fourth extra base hit for the Padres -- two doubles and a triple."
"The way he's swinging the bat, he won't get a hit until the 20th century."
"The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split."
"There's two heads to every coin."
"Those numbers with Tony (Gywnn) are so often and so interesting."
(Wrapping up Game One) "So, two more games to go for San Diego, and three more for Houston, if they're gonna win."
"Larry Moffett is 6-3, 190. Last year he was 6-6."
"The Rockies have seven runs on seven hits. And none of the hits was gigantic. Just sort of in between."
"Remember, Sunday is a 10:35 start. So have a late brunch."
"The Dodgers and the Marlins, that game will get under way at 8:05 here in California, 5:05 in San Diego."
"If they were using 17-inch mounds, you'd be hitting uphill."
"Chicago leads Cleveland in the third, 3-0. If that score holds up, Chicago will lead Cleveland by two."
"Man, this is a long game... we're two hours into the sixth inning."
"Mark McGwire hit two home runs, numbers 18, 19 and 20."
The Scores and More
"At the end of six innings of play, it's Montreal 5, Expos 3."
"The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin."
"Reggie Smith of the Dodgers and Gary Matthews of the homers hit Braves in that game."
"Well, it looks like the all-star balloting is about over, especially in the National and American Leagues."
"The game in St. Louis has been halted in the fourth inning because of rain. I'll bet they have the jacuzzis going there."
"So the Cardinals take a 2-0 lead on balls that were not hit at all, but fair."
"The Padres are leading 7-1, and the Dodgers are making the Padres look terrible."
"What we have here is a blowout, or a possible great comeback."
"The A's have one out, and are trying for more."
"Atlanta will be in first if that part-time score holds up."
"The Houstons and the Cardinals are only separated by a half-game in the NL Central."
Around the Ol' Ballpark
"Jesus Alou is in the on-deck circus."
"There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured by his number."
"Grubb goes back, back... he's under the warning track and makes the play."
"National League umpires wear inside chest protesters."
"Billy Almon has all of his inlaws and outlaws here this afternoon."
"If ever an error had 'F' written on it, that grounder did."
"Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play."
"Gaylord Perry and Willie McCovey should know each other like a book. They've been ex-teammates for years now."
"Sanguillen is totally unpredictable to pitch to because he's so unpredicatable."
"Vaughn's in a -- I don't want to call it a slump -- it's more a semi-active role."
"Right now Andy Larkin is pitching just like young Andy Larkin."
"Kent Abbott is in the on-deck circuit."
"Finley is going over to get a new piece of bat."
"At the end, excitement maintained its hysteria."
"I don't mean he missed him, but he just didn't get him when he put the tag on him."
"The ballgame is over... in this inning."
"Hi folks, I'm Gerry Gross!"
"Gwynn is going to second... he's in there for a double! He legged the second half of that base hit all by himself!"
"We had a pitcher a couple of years ago who worked fast. If you missed a blink, you missed a pitch."
"He sends a fly ball to center field. With his legs, Devon White ought to catch it."
"It's not impossible you'd put Lenny Dykstra on. He's not the winning run; he's just an excess run."
"It's a beautiful warm day here in Pittsburgh. It's a great day for baseball. The only problem is, they don't play on grass, they play on tarpaulin."
(As Matt Williams took a curtain call after hitting a home run) "Barry Bonds gets a standing ovation as he digs in."
"Here's Kerry Taylor, who's always looking for his first major-league win."
"He's gone from 33 saves to 24 to eight to one... I guess the Braves figured he was through."
Were We Watching the Same Game?
"Johnny Grubb slides into second with a standup double."
"They throw Winfield out at second, but he's safe."
"Ozzie makes a leaping, diving stop, shovels to Fernando and everybody drops everything."
"All the Padres need is a fly ball in the air."
"Davis fouls out to third in fair territory."
"There's a shot up the alley. Oh, it's just foul."
"The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside."
"It's a base hit on the error by Roberts."
"Thomas is racing for it, but McCovey is there and can't get his glove to it. That play shows the inexperience, not on Thomas' part, but on the part of Willie McC... well, not on McCovey's part either."
"McCovey swings and misses, and it's fouled back."
"You didn't have to say it was gone. It was gone before it got outta here. It was gonna that fast."
"There's a long fly left centerfield, he got all of that one, it's to the wall, at the wall, and that ball is caught, no I mean he dropped it, wait a minute he caught it! That was the best play Greg Vaughn made of his life!"
(Following the second out) ".. and the Padres win the National League Wes... oh, just got a little exicted."
"Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first."
"Even though the ball was doubled, they got it anyway."
"Kevin Brown fires, and the bunt is taken by the pitcher for a strike."
"A bouncer out toward the mound, drifting foul."
"The batter is Gary DiSarcina, Jim Edmonds on deck, Andy Ashby on the mound, and his first pitch is swung on and missed by Edmonds."
"Ed Giovanola drops one into center field for a fair ball. Base hit."
"There's a one-hopper gloved by the third baseman. (pause) Pardon me... that was a liner."
"I don't know, uh, what happened. But it was the play of the year by Sheffield! He moved a step to his left and, uh, ahem.... well, it's an error on Gary."
"Ground ball to third... great stop by Caminiti! On his back... he threw the ball out at first base!"
"There's a throw over to first... uh-oh, almost a wild pitch."
"I've made a couple of mistakes I'd like to do over."
"A day without newspapers is like walking around without your pants on."
"On the mound is Randy Jones, the left-hander with the Karl Marx hairdo."
"If Rose's streak was still intact, with that single to left, the fans would be throwing babies out of the upper deck."
"He can be lethal death."
"Hats off to drug abusers everywhere."
"The Spanish language broadcasts are proving to be an excellent outlet for people who speak only Spanish."
(Upon hearing of Glenn Beckert's planned retirement) "Well, I hope before Glenn goes, he'll come up here so we can give him a big hug and a kiss, because that's the kind of guy he is."
"Players don't lose jobs. Managers pretty much lose them to themselves."
"If Pete Rose brings the Reds in first, they ought to bronze him and put him in cement."
(Repeating an anecdote from a player) "... who shall be renamed nameless."
"Take a lick, uh, a look at the Kragen Auto scoreboard..."
"The fags are blowing out in San Francisco."
(Discovering the given name of pitcher Hilly Hathaway is Hillary) "What an unfortunate name to have. Especially when the President of the United States has the same name."
"Sept. 5, 1993 might be a watershed day for the Braves. Had it been the other way around, it would have been a death throttle."
"Stillwell's grounder goes through Wallach's legs and into left field, and Stillwell is into second with a double. The throw rolls past Reed and Stillwell's into second. Wait a second, I was talking to Drysdale. Let me start over."
"John Kruk throws down his helmet in disgrace."
"Braulio Castillo, Vinny Castillas, Pedro Castellano. What happened to Brown, Jones and Smith... names we can understand?"
"He was with Triple-A San Jose. (pause) Mr. Know-It-All, Dave Marcus, informs me San Jose is Double-A. (pause) Did I say Double-A? I meant Single-A."
"If I knew how to spell it I'd say 'deja vu.'"
"Edgar Martinez of Seattle says he is impressed by National League pitching." (Then, following eight seconds of technical-difficulty dead air) "Well, he did say it. I don't care what anybody says."