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Real Office Space: Flush the Toilet Freak!!

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Postby Coppermine » Tue Dec 12, 2006 6:18 pm

And here I am still pissed off that we only have one-ply toilet paper :-/
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Postby acsguitar » Tue Dec 12, 2006 6:39 pm

Phatferd wrote:We have single bathrooms, no stalls and the largest dude in the office (pushing 300lbs) decided to leave the door unlocked while he was dropping his kids off at the pool.

Talk about an image that never leaves...


Wow thats awful...

We have a 300+ pound due easy who when he takes a leak it sounds like an elephant peeing into a glass of water
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Postby j_d_mcnugent » Tue Dec 12, 2006 6:49 pm

you should circulate a memo with proper pooping procedures.

this should get you started:

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2004 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE

Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction withan ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
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Postby acsguitar » Tue Dec 12, 2006 7:35 pm

I wish death to these people

TURD BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
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Postby Callahan » Tue Dec 12, 2006 7:56 pm

That's hysterical. ;-D ;-D ;-D
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Re: Real Office Space: Flush the Toilet Freak!!

Postby JTWood » Tue Dec 12, 2006 8:30 pm

acsguitar wrote:I have to say and I've debated posting this as I don't want it to get disgusting so lets keep it clean.

Anyone else go to use the facilities at work and come across a "mess" in the toilet that you are about to use?

It seems there is a serial offender here in my building. Tell me what is so hard about flushing the toilet. I find it disgusting that I have to flush your making down the toilet every time I want to go.

Give me a break its horrible...And our toilets are industrial strength if you put a kitten in the bowl and flushed it would go through.

Seriously 7 out of 10 times I'm greated with this horror...

do some people just forget? Do they not want to touch the handle, you can use your shoe if you don't wanna touch the handle.

I don't think I've ever forgot to flush...god I hate it..it angers me sooo much

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Postby The Artful Dodger » Tue Dec 12, 2006 8:35 pm

All this toilet talk reminds me of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-WVC2JsJ9o
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It's kinda like the Old Cafe - http://fbc2.freeforums.net
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Postby Coppermine » Tue Dec 12, 2006 8:44 pm

acsguitar wrote:I wish death to these people

TURD BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


I always though that the Turd Burglar was someone who walks into the bathroom just as you're about to let loose, causing you to hold back until they leave in order to avoid embarrassment.
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Postby acsguitar » Tue Dec 12, 2006 9:38 pm

Coppermine wrote:
acsguitar wrote:I wish death to these people

TURD BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


I always though that the Turd Burglar was someone who walks into the bathroom just as you're about to let loose, causing you to hold back until they leave in order to avoid embarrassment.


hmmm I guess it could be
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Postby Chrisy Moltisanti » Wed Dec 13, 2006 1:41 pm

Yoda wrote:Is there anything more beautiful than going #2 while getting paid to do so? I make sure I spend at least 15-20 min in the bathroom in the morning.
;-D

But now that I'm a supervisor and paid on salary, those trips just lack the excitement they once had. :-/ It's hilarious to see the other people disappear for 20 minutes every morning, I'm not sure they know I know exactly what's going on. "Don't fall in this time Billy" :-b

ThatDude wrote:
Art Vandelay wrote:Some people drop bombs, what can you do?


I'm one of those people.

When something like this happened at work a couple years ago, I took it as a challenge. Someone had thrown down the gauntlet, and I'm not one to back down.

Two weeks. That's how long my unknown opponent and myself spent leaving presents all over the building. Finally a memo came down from on high demanding a cease fire.
:-b ;-D

Exactly the way I'd go about it...well maybe not. Anyone considered bombing an already bombed site? Leave that for the original offender :-b

Or just do it at home so he has to deal with his own mess. But that's boring. :-D
Last edited by Chrisy Moltisanti on Wed Dec 13, 2006 2:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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