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Alcohol

Postby Big Pimpin » Fri Aug 25, 2006 3:51 pm

My email wrote:Dear Alcohol (You Body Speaking),

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.


:-b
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Re: Alcohol

Postby sportsguy138 » Fri Aug 25, 2006 4:21 pm

Big Pimpin wrote:
My email wrote:Dear Alcohol (You Body Speaking),

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.


:-b


haha nice find.

favourite parts bolded :-b ..and if there weren't hangovers we wouldnt have to worry about 2 :-/
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Postby acsguitar » Fri Aug 25, 2006 4:30 pm

That sounds like a girl body to me :-D
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Postby Madison » Fri Aug 25, 2006 10:57 pm

Hangovers stink! :-P


Fantastic read though. Had me laughing pretty good during the "Clumsiness" paragraph. :-b
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Postby Coppermine » Fri Aug 25, 2006 11:37 pm

Madison wrote:Hangovers stink! :-P


Fantastic read though. Had me laughing pretty good during the "Clumsiness" paragraph. :-b


I'm working on a hangover right now.

I recently went to Florida to visit my parents; I always feel like my mom is trying to get me drunk. She stocks up on wine, beer and makes some killer sangria with too much vodka. My dad just sits around and moans that if he has more than two drinks he'll get a headache... then he drinks 5 and is all pissy the next day.

Uh, what were we talking about?
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Postby citybirds27 » Fri Aug 25, 2006 11:50 pm

Coppermine wrote:
Madison wrote:Hangovers stink! :-P


Fantastic read though. Had me laughing pretty good during the "Clumsiness" paragraph. :-b


I'm working on a hangover right now.

I recently went to Florida to visit my parents; I always feel like my mom is trying to get me drunk. She stocks up on wine, beer and makes some killer sangria with too much vodka. My dad just sits around and moans that if he has more than two drinks he'll get a headache... then he drinks 5 and is all pissy the next day.

Uh, what were we talking about?


What you're talking about :-b
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Postby Omaha Red Sox » Fri Aug 25, 2006 11:50 pm

I haven't been drunk in 5 years. I still drink moderately, however, but am able to enjoy alcohol rather than let it control me. <gets down off soapbox>

The blue book is a damn good read whether you're an alcoholic or not. ;-D

Not saying any of you are. !+)
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Postby Coppermine » Sat Aug 26, 2006 12:53 am

Omaha Red Sox wrote:The blue book is a damn good read whether you're an alcoholic or not. ;-D


Damn right! Saved me some hella cash on my '93 Subaru Impreza trade-in!
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Postby Half Massed » Sun Aug 27, 2006 1:57 pm

Coppermine wrote:
Omaha Red Sox wrote:The blue book is a damn good read whether you're an alcoholic or not. ;-D


Damn right! Saved me some hella cash on my '93 Subaru Impreza trade-in!


Heh.

That was a good read though.
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Postby Simulacrum » Mon Aug 28, 2006 11:57 am

Coppermine wrote:
Madison wrote:Hangovers stink! :-P


Fantastic read though. Had me laughing pretty good during the "Clumsiness" paragraph. :-b


I'm working on a hangover right now.

I recently went to Florida to visit my parents; I always feel like my mom is trying to get me drunk. She stocks up on wine, beer and makes some killer sangria with too much vodka. My dad just sits around and moans that if he has more than two drinks he'll get a headache... then he drinks 5 and is all pissy the next day.

Uh, what were we talking about?


Hey Cu, were you ever on that Mtv show "Next"? I was watching an episode over the weekend and one of the guys came out and immediately told everyone else "I hate that Lance Armstrong guy!!"

I figured- who else could this possibly be? :-b
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