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Funniest Baseball Quotes

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Funniest Baseball Quotes

Postby ordinarygenius » Thu Aug 03, 2006 4:02 pm

I'm trying to gather the best of the best for a column I write in a newspaper.

Two of my favorites are from Jim Kern, the former Rangers pitcher:

"I'm working a new pitch. It's called a strike."

and

"Pinky May was the manager. It was like the second inning and he comes out to take me out of the game. I said, 'Pinky, I'm not tired.' He looked at me and said, 'No, but the outfielders are.'"

What's your all-time funniest baseball quote?

Thanks for helping. ;-D
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Postby flowbee » Thu Aug 03, 2006 6:04 pm

"Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.

Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.

In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.

Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!"

-George Carlin
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Postby BritSox » Thu Aug 03, 2006 6:12 pm

Bill Bryson wrote:
The difference between Cricket and Baseball is that Baseball is fun and you go home at the end of the day knowing who won.


Thomas Boswell wrote:
"Philosophers like to say that life is a process, not a destination. That certainly defines the pleasures of baseball. If you only enjoy the years when you have a parade for the World Series winner, you're either mentally ill or a Yankees fan. Or both."


Teddy Ballgame wrote:
Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer."


Al Gallagher wrote:There are three things in my life which I really love: God, my family, and baseball. The only problem - once baseball season starts, I change the order around a bit.


Reggie Jackson wrote: Every hitter likes fastballs, just like everybody likes ice cream. But you don't like it when someone's stuffing it into you by the gallon. That's what it feels like when Nolan Ryan's thrown balls by you.



Casey Stengel wrote: The only thing worse than a Mets game is a Mets doubleheader.
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Postby Tavish » Thu Aug 03, 2006 6:14 pm

Tommy LaSorda talking about Mike Scioscia: "If he raced his pregnant wife he'd finish third."

Harry Caray: "Aw, how could Jorge Orta lose the ball in the sun, he's from Mexico."
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Bury me a Royal.
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Postby BritSox » Thu Aug 03, 2006 6:18 pm

Dave Barry wrote:"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."
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Postby Amazing Oopah » Thu Aug 03, 2006 6:23 pm

Earl Weaver wrote:I gave Cuellar more chances than my first wife.
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Postby BillyHallDisciple » Thu Aug 03, 2006 6:49 pm

For non-Yogi quotes, I always liked John Kruk's quote: "Ma'am, I'm not an athlete, I'm a baseball player."

Not sure if that's the exact quote, but it's pretty damn close.
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Postby AcidRock23 » Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:10 pm

"If I wanted to hit him, I'd throw sidearm" - Bert Campeneris
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Postby The Big Train » Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:10 pm

More from Lasorda...

"He (Darryl Strawberry) is not a dog; a dog is loyal and runs after balls."

"I walk into the clubhouse and it's like walking into the Mayo Clinic. We have four doctors, three therapists and five trainers. Back when I broke in, we had one trainer who carried a bottle of rubbing alcohol and by the seventh inning he had drunk it all."

"Say 'Dodgers' and people know you're talking about baseball. Say 'Braves' and they ask, 'What reservation?' Say 'Reds' and they think of communism. Say 'Padres' and they look around for a priest."
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"Trying to hit him was like trying to drink coffee with a fork." - Willie Stargell on Sandy Koufax
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Postby Super Manny » Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:20 pm

Ted Williams wrote:Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer.

Brendan Francis wrote:A baseball park is the one place where a man's wife doesn't mind his getting excited over somebody else's curves.

Earl Wilson wrote:A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.
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"When you don't feel good and you still get hits, that's when you know you are a bad man." -Manuel A. Ramirez
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