The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.
Time Limit: 3 Days.
Write Your Name: ________________________________________ (20 point bonus if spelled correctly).
1. What language is spoken in Germany?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
____ (a) build a bridge ____ (b) lead an army or ____ (c) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one) ____ (a) Jewish ____ (b) Catholic ____ (c) Hindu ____ (d) Polish
5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far NORTH called? ____ (a) Westerners ____ (b) Southerners ____ (c) NORTHerners
9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush) _______________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from? ____ (a) Wall Mart ____ (b) Kmart ____ (c) Canada ____ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? ____ (a) yes ____ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.
16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? ____ (a) Minnnesota ____ (b) Florida ____ (c) Canada ____ (d) Wisconsin
18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? ____ (a) B.C ____ (b) A.D.
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!
MORE REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES:
1. Juggling Knives is Easy 2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven 3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things 4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want 5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase 6. 101 Games to Play in the Road 7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher 8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork 9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games 10. Arthur Gets Hunted 11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi 12. Monsters Killed Grandpa 13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Clause is your real Mom 14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul 15. All Guns Squirt Water 16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street 17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite 18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain 19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish 20. 101 recipies to make with Dog 21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree 22. The New Boy is Bad 23. Your Nightmares are real 24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs 25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis 26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender 27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious..... 28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption 29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap 30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower 31. Grampa Gets A Casket 32. Dad's New Wife Robert 33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator
Yes doctor, I am sick. Sick of those who are spineless. Sick of those who feel self-entitled. Sick of those who are hypocrites. Yes doctor, an army is forming. Yes doctor, there will be a war. Yes doctor, there will be blood.....