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4th OF in NY

Postby Omaha Red Sox » Thu Mar 30, 2006 10:39 am

Yankees Petition for Fourth Outfielder to Make Up for Johnny Damon
Bronx, NY – The boss and his evil empire are at it again. In his latest attempt to disrupt the normalcy of baseball, George Steinbrenner has started a campaign requesting a fourth outfield position.

The campaign is a direct result of the team’s off-season signing of free agent Johnny Damon. “We never intended for him to jump ship, sell out his city, and come sign with us,” a beleaguered Steinbrenner said. “We were just trying to raise the market value so the (Red) Sox couldn’t sign him for the 1.5 million a year he’s worth. Now we’re stuck with his huge salary and a centerfielder that throws like he’s a teenage girl. Not to mention that Johnny is constantly running into immovable objects and other players. I’m even considering putting a flagpole out there in hopes that he runs into it and knocks himself out.”

Yankee skipper Joe Torre also thinks a fourth outfielder is a great idea. “The way I see it, we can put Johnny and Bernie (Williams) out there, and they will sort of morph into an average player. Kind of like captain planet. Also, since neither of them can make the throw to the cut off man, the extra fielder could be even more useful.”

The Tigers tried a similar stunt in 1996, trying to get two first base positions so that Cecil Fielder could just stand there without having to field the ball. However, Commissioner Selig and the rest of the rules committee didn’t agree with the Tigers’ Logic. However, who knows how much money Steinbrenner will throw at Selig to get this accomplished. The money may be right to make this petition a reality.
:-b
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Postby knapplc » Thu Mar 30, 2006 11:00 am

I'll see your article and raise you this one:
Steinbrenner Names Johnny Damon As New Yankee Scapegoat
NEW YORK—Continuing a Yankee tradition that dates back to the teams of the early '80s, owner George Steinbrenner formally appointed recently signed centerfielder Johnny Damon as the team's new scapegoat.

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George Steinbrenner

"This position comes with a lot of responsibility, as the scapegoat will be held personally accountable for every loss this season," Steinbrenner said in a statement Tuesday. "Even though he is new to the city and organization, and he is coming over from our division rival Boston Red Sox, and he has yet to play a single game in a Yankee uniform, I am confident that these factors will only facilitate Johnny Damon's transition into this role."

"If the Yankees start losing—God forbid—then at the very least, the players, the fans, the New York media, and myself can take comfort in knowing the exact reason why," Steinbrenner added.

According to Steinbrenner's statement, Damon exhibits all the qualities he looks for in a Yankee scapegoat, including lofty expectations, high salary, and a controversial personality that can be construed as being bad for the team's dynamics should the Yankees fall into second place.

Damon, whose jersey will be adorned with a small bulls-eye stitched below the left shoulder, said he welcomed the opportunity to be the most important fall guy on the Yankee ballclub.

"It's a privilege to be singled out in this fashion, especially when there are so many other deserving candidates on this team—Randy Johnson, Alex Rodriguez, Carl Pavano, the list goes on," Damon said. "To come here and immediately have such great expectations thrust upon you to the point where every error, weak throw, or strikeout is viewed as the be all and end all of this team's entire season is a true honor, and…well, I guess the reason I joined the Yankees in the first place."

"But I do want to reiterate that this is still Derek's team as long as we're winning," Damon added.

Although Damon admitted that his natural reaction was to "just run out there and get injured on a stupid play in spring training," he decided he would take his new all-encompassing responsibility one loss at a time.

"Anyone can come up with a clutch detrimental incident that the fans and media will remember all season and point to as the reason for the Yankees' demise, such as a bases-loaded double play in a playoff game, a season-ending injury that occurs during an off-the-field basketball game, or even a steroid scandal like with [former Yankee scapegoat] Jason [Giambi]," Damon said. "But a real scapegoat will be out there for every single loss, playing a key role in every bonehead play, and truly leading the sports section of the New York Post day in and day out."

Damon said he intends to evenly distribute instances of lackadaisical defense, mental errors, and baserunning miscues, stressing that, although they will be harmless blunders that player makes, they will come at the "worst possible times," such as right when the Yankees appear to be embarking on a winning streak, during nationally televised Yankee-Red Sox matchups, or in playoff-implication games down the stretch.

Image
Johnny Damon

Other members of Yankees, upon hearing the news that Damon received the title of scapegoat, reacted with excitement and relief.

"I think Johnny will make a great scapegoat—I know I would crumble under all that responsibility," said Damon's teammate Alex Rodriguez. "I couldn't be happier."

"Even though Johnny's off-the-wall persona will likely appear to be refreshing at first, particularly if we get off to a hot start, it's very possible that his clubhouse presence could be damaging to the Yankees' playoff hopes, especially if Boston's pitching stays healthy and the Blue Jays' big spending this winter pays off," manager Joe Torre said. "It's admirable and convenient that he's accepting responsibility for this ahead of time."

In response to Steinbrenner's move, Red Sox GM Theo Epstein retaliated by also naming Johnny Damon as the new Red Sox scapegoat, saying that, should the Red Sox fail to make the postseason, the Boston media and fans should pin the blame on Damon for leaving the team for the rival Yankees last December.
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Postby Omaha Red Sox » Thu Mar 30, 2006 11:12 am

Good one knapplc.

According to Steinbrenner's statement, Damon exhibits all the qualities he looks for in a Yankee scapegoat, including lofty expectations, high salary, and a controversial personality


That's hilarious. :-D

Oh, this too:
"I think Johnny will make a great scapegoat—I know I would crumble under all that responsibility," said Damon's teammate Alex Rodriguez. "I couldn't be happier."
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Postby acsguitar » Thu Mar 30, 2006 1:30 pm

Way to pretend you didn't cry when damon left redsox fans
I'm too lazy to make a sig at the moment
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Postby Omaha Red Sox » Thu Mar 30, 2006 1:40 pm

acsguitar wrote:Way to pretend you didn't cry when damon left redsox fans


I've moved on. He means nothing to me now. I have deleted him from my cell phone... :,-( :-° :^ B-) ;-)
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Re: 4th OF in NY

Postby Dan Lambskin » Thu Mar 30, 2006 2:34 pm

Omaha Red Sox wrote:
Yankees Petition for Fourth Outfielder to Make Up for Johnny Damon

Yankee skipper Joe Torre also thinks a fourth outfielder is a great idea. “The way I see it, we can put Johnny and Bernie (Williams) out there, and they will sort of morph into an average player. Kind of like captain planet. Also, since neither of them can make the throw to the cut off man, the extra fielder could be even more useful.”
:-b


Captain Planet was lame :-t I get Earth, Wind, Fire and Water, but what the hell was with that Heart crap? last i checked that wasnt one of the basic elemental personifications
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Postby Big Pimpin » Thu Mar 30, 2006 3:54 pm

Good stuff. :-b
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Postby knapplc » Thu Mar 30, 2006 4:49 pm

acsguitar wrote:Way to pretend you didn't cry when damon left redsox fans


ORS is a Sawx fan, but the picture of Wrigley in my Sig should give you a clue that I'm not... ;-)
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Re: 4th OF in NY

Postby shmolex » Thu Mar 30, 2006 5:44 pm

Dan Lambskin wrote:
Omaha Red Sox wrote:
Yankees Petition for Fourth Outfielder to Make Up for Johnny Damon

Yankee skipper Joe Torre also thinks a fourth outfielder is a great idea. “The way I see it, we can put Johnny and Bernie (Williams) out there, and they will sort of morph into an average player. Kind of like captain planet. Also, since neither of them can make the throw to the cut off man, the extra fielder could be even more useful.”
:-b


Captain Planet was lame :-t I get Earth, Wind, Fire and Water, but what the hell was with that Heart crap? last i checked that wasnt one of the basic elemental personifications


What kind of superhero would you be without a heart?

A lame one for sure.
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Postby Strasil42 » Thu Mar 30, 2006 5:55 pm

Posts like this just make winning the world series even better.

Yankees in 06.

;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D
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