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Cleaning Out My Inbox - The 3rd Qtr

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Cleaning Out My Inbox - The 3rd Qtr

Postby JTWood » Mon Mar 27, 2006 10:46 pm

This is most of the stuff I received in the third quarter of 2005. I'll try
to post the fourth quarter of 2005 sometime in the next week or two.

Enjoy!


The Marine and the Rowdy Child
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is
shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild
temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to
try to calm him down the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the
seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform
is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother
with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and,
motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly
fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous
applause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin
attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you
used on that little boy?"
The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's
wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me
to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that
I was just about to make my selection for this flight."


Sorry, but political stuff is now allowed...
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replied: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept
money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist was
pleased and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open,
there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop came in for a haircut and, when he went to pay his bill, the
barber again replied: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money; I'm doing community
service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning,
when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a dozen
donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican came in for a haircut and, when he went to pay his bill,
the barber again replied: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week." The Republican was very happy and left
the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open, there was a thank
you card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business
and "Becoming More Successful".

Then a Democrat came in for a haircut and, when he went to pay his bill, the
barber again replied: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week." The Democrat was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Democrats lined up waiting for a free hair cut.


Wal-Mart Wine
Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new
discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail
chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the
spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand
into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said
Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is
important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for
the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat
(Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).


The Redhead
The Redhead

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her
body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then
she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and
screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says.

"Your finger is broken."


A Frog, A Woman, & Three Wishes
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the
woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for,
your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock
to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman
and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM, she's the most beautiful
Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine."
So, KAZAM, she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a
mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention Female Readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop Here and
continue feeling good.

Male Readers: Please scroll down.



The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women NEVER LISTEN !!!


Dog's Letter to God
TO: God FROM: The dog

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one
another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still
the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a
dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride!
Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy
fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember
to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it
up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like
the way they smell.

3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they
are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer' s hand when he reaches in for Mom's
driver's license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying
"hello".

11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee
table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house -
not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch
when we have company.

16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes
that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last two questions . .

Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven will I get my testicles back?


Blind Pilots <-- This one's my favorite of the lot
Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the
airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the
other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter
spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes,
and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around,
searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is
forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in
the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge
of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will
plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax
and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines,
secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You
know Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all
gonna die."


Coldwater Cleans the Dishes
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using
cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However,
John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his
grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just
you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the
plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like
dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes
are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to
hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was
leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on
TV, the old man shouted ...

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

Meet Coldwater......

Image


A Bunch of Short Jokes
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage,
and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

-----------


A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause
I still have mine"

-----------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I
ll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

-----------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like
the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids.

-----------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

-----------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

-----------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

-----------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How
was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective
replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

-----------

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing
the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally, his curiosity gets the best of
him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying
me a drink."

-----------

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."


MANNERS
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
male students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and
during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say
to her? "

Mike replies : Wait a minute, I'm going to pee.

The teacher says : That would be very rude and improper on your part.

Brian replied : I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a
minute.

The teacher says : That's much better but to mention the word "toilet"
during a meal, is unpleasant.

Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to
you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out.


Jonah's Fate
After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl
repeated the story at school on Monday. Her teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very
large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human.

"It is physically impossible!" she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah."

To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"


The Seducer
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my
girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very
much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective
sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut
blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a
pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it
when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I
was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and
couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead
with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I
watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her
panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my
car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you
have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

"Always keep your condoms in your car."


Texas Chili
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West
Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms
folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy
bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler, and with
an indifferent drawl replies, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place
and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom
and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was so shocking he immediately pukes-up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too."


Fish Poaching
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with
two Ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them thar licenses, no. You must understand
these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" said the game warden.

"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim
'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice
chest and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.

The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's
the truth Mr.Government man, I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"

The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the hillbilly. The warden said, "When are you going to
call them back?"

The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.


Top 45 Oxymorons
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate

AND

1. Microsoft Works


Business Signs
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

*************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:

"We're #1 in the #2 business."

**************************

At a Proctologist's door

"To expedite your visit please back in."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

**************************

At a Towing Company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck :

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate

action."

**************************

On a Maternity Door

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right

place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff"

*************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company:

"We would be "de-lighted" if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station,

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."
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Postby curious_george_43545 » Mon Mar 27, 2006 10:53 pm

Some people look forward to Christmas all year. For some people maybe it's the end of school, the start of a vacation, or another important event. But no, for me it's different. What I look forward to most....what I desire more than anything...is the day, when JT Cleans Out His Inbox. What a truly wonderful day. :,-(
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Postby Mookie4ever » Mon Mar 27, 2006 10:56 pm

Nice. But I'd still rather see more pictures of your wife :-)
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Postby Pacman » Mon Mar 27, 2006 11:32 pm

Mookie4ever wrote:Nice. But I'd still rather see more pictures of your wife :-)



More pictures? There were pictures?????



Link please????
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Postby bigh0rt » Mon Mar 27, 2006 11:39 pm

Very nice JT!! :-b
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Postby curious_george_43545 » Mon Mar 27, 2006 11:41 pm

Pacman wrote:
Mookie4ever wrote:Nice. But I'd still rather see more pictures of your wife :-)



More pictures? There were pictures?????



Link please????


Are those the ones where Pacman's and Jt's wifes were making out, cause I already saw those. ;-)
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Postby baseball6791 » Mon Mar 27, 2006 11:54 pm

Lol very funny :-b ;-D

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:

"We're #1 in the #2 business."


That is actually a true sign... no joke, we had a problem with our septic tank/plumbing system at our summer house and the company that came to fix it's truck said that :-b
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Postby RyanK » Tue Mar 28, 2006 2:41 am

Pacman wrote:
Mookie4ever wrote:Nice. But I'd still rather see more pictures of your wife :-)



More pictures? There were pictures?????



Link please????


Ill PM them to you guys.... ;-7


but yay jt for finally getting up the mail... i didnt read it yet cause i was too excited and had to post..
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Postby Madison » Tue Mar 28, 2006 4:37 am

Pacman wrote:
Mookie4ever wrote:Nice. But I'd still rather see more pictures of your wife :-)



More pictures? There were pictures?????



Link please????


He's whipped. His wife made him delete them from the Cafe'. :-b

She is cute though. ;-D

Speaking of JT and stuff, have I urinated in your shoes, seen your wife naked, or anything lately JT? O:-)


Ah, the Inbox cleaning. Such a great series of posts :-) . A Frog, A Woman, & Three Wishes is my favorite with the Blind Pilots a close second. ;-D
Yes doctor, I am sick.
Sick of those who are spineless.
Sick of those who feel self-entitled.
Sick of those who are hypocrites.
Yes doctor, an army is forming.
Yes doctor, there will be a war.
Yes doctor, there will be blood.....
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Postby JTWood » Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:01 am

Madison wrote:Speaking of JT and stuff, have I urinated in your shoes, seen your wife naked, or anything lately JT?

No, but you did run down the hallway pooping. Want to see pics of that?

:-D
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