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9/8/2005-Coppermine & Lance or: Why I'm a...., Vol. II

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9/8/2005-Coppermine & Lance or: Why I'm a...., Vol. II

Postby Coppermine » Thu Sep 08, 2005 9:06 pm

So what makes Lance Armstrong so special?

Seven tour de france titles?
Amazingly overcoming testicular cancer?
His modesty?
His courage?
His devotion to fans and Americans?

Lance Armstrong is essentially a freak of nature. The kind of genetic mutation that makes scientist cringe at the horrors of nature when things take a turn for the worst. Ah, but while some of said freaks are born with unproportionally short arms or legs, or attached to a twin at the head, this freak was born with unusually large heart and lung capacity. How large? Try a full third larger.

He is a physical prodigy. And while academic geniuses everywhere are solving impossible equations and developing miracle drugs without recognition, Lance is really just good at one thing... riding a bike. So good that he has been misinterpreted as a hero-for having a genetic defect. In fact, when Lance is resting, his heart beats so slowly that the average human would be rushed to the hospital. As a child, super-human Lance would play catch... with a tennis ball soaked in gasoline and lit on fire.

In addition to the internal abnormalities, scientists have said that it's as if his body were designed specifically for riding a bicycle. For example, his thigh bones are unusually long, giving him the perfect length for getting maximum torque from-you guessed it-a bicycle pedal. It's pretty easy to have an arrogant, competetive personality when you know you can beat anyone on the planet.

Lance Armstrong? Arrogant? Chris Carmichael, Lance's bicycle coach at the beginning of his career once said: "I had never met him when I took over as his coach, I called him up and we talked on the phone. He was kind of rude. Not kind of rude. He was completely rude. He was, like, 'So you are the new coach—what are you going to teach me?' He just thought he was King Sh*t."

As if we American's didn't love him enough in 1996 (when, in fact, he was being paid $2 million/year by a FRENCH cycling team) he got cancer. You know, they say an asshole with cancer is still an asshole. And he was. But the Nike ads would never mention that. Just that the cancer did, in fact, spread to his abdomen and brain. A deadly combination for the average human. But not Lance. His superior genetics - and his genetics ALONE - are what pushed him through the surgeries and chemotherapy. Oh, and one other thing... being nearly a billionaire afforded him the best medical treatment on Earth. Testicular cancer is what, the easiest cancer to overcome? Tom Green overcame testicular cancer, I don't see anyone calling him a hero. The rest of it was just Lance's super-body fighting it off. Anyone else would have visited a doctor the FIRST time they spit up blood... Lance was too tough to do something so pedestrian.

But, you say, he mounted the greatest comeback in the history of sports! It's as if the cancer made him better! Well, technically it did. By his own admission, Armstrong stated that before he got cancer he didn't care about strategy, tactics or teamwork. Afterward though, he just trained hard and that along with his body's miraculous ability to heal and dominate, he, well, dominated.

Ok, but that doesn't make him so bad. Well, after surviving cancer, he proclaimed himself the official posterboy for cancer survivors. People without the genetic gifts (or money) of armstrong suffered far more and a mere mortal like you or I probably would have died. With his new-found life he did the same thing any asshole would do... Dump his wife, who had sat by his side during the entire cancer ordeal, nursing him back to health. Why? Because, I'm sure his publicist explained that banging a chick like Sheryl Crow would bring him a lot more fame and fortune than just some plain jane high school sweetheart. You'd all dumb your wives and girlfriends for sheryl crow too, wouldn't you? Honestly, i don't see what the big deal is with her. She can soak up the sun over my ass.

Then came livestrong arm bracelets. The calling card of every wannabe, arrogant, pompous, jerk that ever roamed the halls of junior high school slamming kids into lockers. Seriously, look at the guys who wear those bracelets. Tell me they're not all the same frat boy, jerkoff type of guys that just make you want to puke. The kind of guys that "pop" the collar on one of their hundreds of matching Eddie Bauer polo shirts. The kind of guys that wear a stupid bracelet but don't give a crap about anything if it doesn't affect them directly. It's like a personality flaw... if I was a psychologist I'd say that guys who wear them know that they're assholes... but the bracelets makes them (and hopefully everyone around them) think they're not. Lance... the king of genetics, pretentiousness and fads everywhere.

Lance Armstrong is now one of the most popular people in the news today, especially after announcing his engagement to crow. I'm sure his ex wife is enjoying herself. Is it because america needed a "hero" (albeit a fake one?).

So why do I have such a problem with this? Well, the bracelets more than anything. I could probably let the whole lance thing slide, but I see people wearing their bracelets and children telling their parents they want to be just like lance when they grow up. Sorry kid, your internal organs are, unfortunately, normal sized. The guys with the bracelets are doing one thing... trying to tell everyone how much they care and that they think Lance is the greatest guy ever. Why? Because ESPN told them to and one of their frat brothers gave them a yellow piece of rubber.
Last edited by Coppermine on Sat Jan 12, 2008 2:38 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby HiddenIdentity » Thu Sep 08, 2005 9:08 pm

I'm guessing the last one was deleted? As this one may be as well if it turns out to be anything like the last one
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Postby Coppermine » Thu Sep 08, 2005 9:12 pm

True, but this is general talk and I'm trying to be as general as possible.



I can try to be a little more colonel if it suits you better.
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Postby CubsFan7724 » Thu Sep 08, 2005 9:14 pm

Generally threads are deleted for a reason... :-t
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Postby Coppermine » Thu Sep 08, 2005 9:15 pm

I think Bowser should pick on someone his own size.

Like the giant frog guy at the end of Super Mario Bros. 2...

What was up with that???
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Postby HiddenIdentity » Thu Sep 08, 2005 9:16 pm

Coppermine wrote:True, but this is general talk and I'm trying to be as general as possible.



I can try to be a little more colonel if it suits you better.


Hey, I don't mind at all, and most people would probably know that.
I'm just saying like Cubs fan said, threads are usually deleted for a reason, so if the same happens to this one, I wouldn't go reposting it all over again. I know, I've been there.

But anyway, if it's allowed, keep writing! I find it entertaining ;-D
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Postby Coppermine » Thu Sep 08, 2005 9:19 pm

I won't say anything mean or nasty about anyone anymore either.


Just sarcastic, asinine things. ;-D ;-D

Yeah baby, that TWO thumbs up!
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Postby HiddenIdentity » Thu Sep 08, 2005 9:20 pm

;-D ;-D ;-D
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Postby CubsFan7724 » Thu Sep 08, 2005 9:23 pm

Coppermine wrote:I think Bowser should pick on someone his own size.

Like the giant frog guy at the end of Super Mario Bros. 2...

What was up with that???

Heh, Super Mario Bros 2, in Japan, was not even a mario game, but a game named Doki Doki Panic. Thats why SMB2 in America is nothing like any of the others, and why there is no Bowser, etc. Its just a port with Mario slapped on it, since they judged the real Super Mario Bros 2, which was the Lost Levels of the original, was too hard for American gamers. Bah.
(End nerd knowledge.)
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Postby Coppermine » Thu Sep 08, 2005 9:24 pm

Buzzkill!
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