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!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!

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!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!

Postby bleach168 » Tue Apr 19, 2005 6:38 pm

Research on bread indicates that:
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

This article was written by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after consuming mass quantities of yeast bread then realizing his canteen was empty. (seriously :P )
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Postby SaintsOfTheDiamond » Tue Apr 19, 2005 6:40 pm

That is great. ;-D
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Postby Madison » Tue Apr 19, 2005 6:41 pm

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.


That just made me bust out laughing. :-b ;-D

I was going to get Subway for dinner, but..... :-o

:-D

Good post! ;-D
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Postby ensanimal » Tue Apr 19, 2005 7:04 pm

hehehe...good stuff :-b
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Postby curious_george_43545 » Tue Apr 19, 2005 8:28 pm

ensanimal wrote:hehehe...good stuff :-b
;-D
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Postby Kingctb27 » Tue Apr 19, 2005 11:21 pm

LOL, those were pretty good. :-D
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Postby blankman » Wed Apr 20, 2005 12:36 am

just silly :-b
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Postby Pokeyouindaeye » Wed Apr 20, 2005 12:38 am

Wait 'til someone tells you about the dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide!
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Postby Viper8437 » Wed Apr 20, 2005 12:53 am

Pokeyouindaeye wrote:Wait 'til someone tells you about the dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide!


water is scary
ahhhhhhhhhh :-b
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Re: !!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!

Postby LBJackal » Wed Apr 20, 2005 5:46 am

bleach168 wrote:4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.


LMAO... I always find it funny to see that "50% of all car accidents occur within 2 miles of your home, so you should definately buckle up especially on short trips"

Yeah well no chit... 90% of the time when I'm driving it's within 2 miles of my house.

Another classic:

"You're more likely to die in a car crash than a plane crash, so travellling in the air is safer."

Yes well... I fly on a plane once a year, and I drive a car 4 times a day. That doesn't mean flying is safer than driving.

But good list bleach. It's funny how paranoid people can get by these "studies" that are done to show how bad things are :-b
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