Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
This guy walkes into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He looks at his watch, then glances at this hot blonde next to him and then looks at his watch again. She says, hey, what is your hot date a little late or something? He says no, but I just got this new tech watch, and it is so cool, that it tells me thing telepathically. She laughes, and says, so what is it telling you now? He lookes at his watch and smiles, and says, it tells me that you are not wearing any panties. She says its wrong, and that she is wearing panties. He then starts to hit his watch and says, dang, it must be an hour fast!
There's this farmer who had a knock out of a daughter named Sarah.
One night he caught Jeremy, Chris, and Phillip messing around with Sarah.
The farmer took them down to the barn along with his shotgun, intending to shoot them.
The boys begged and pleaded with him to spare their lives. He said, "All right. If you do exactly what I tell you to, I'll let you live. Go out in my field and pick 100 of any fruit you want. When you're done, bring it back here and I'll tell you what to do with it."
The boys go out and the first one, Jeremy, comes back. He picked 100 grapes. The farmer says, "Boy, I want you to put everyone of those grapes up your butt" So Jeremy starts shoving and finally reaches 100. "O.K.," says the farmer. "Go home and don't ever let me catch you around my daughter again."
The next guy, Chris, comes in from the field with 100 strawberries. "All right boy. Shove all of those up your butt." So Chris starts shoving. He gets to 97, 98, 99, and all of the sudden he starts laughing so hard that they all them came flying out.
The farmer says, "Boy what's the matter with you?" Chris says "Well, Jeremy picked grapes and I picked strawberries. But my buddy out there is picking watermelons."
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket.
She went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "nothing but the best for my little kitten on christmas".
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying it for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the little old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies- one for each day of christmas.
The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that sometimes old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought her dog. She was then given the cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "NO, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap!"
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
i havnet posted jokes in awhile.. had to make up for it