BELLHORN REVIVED FROM COMA--STILL CAN'T HIT
FORMER STARTING 3RD BASEMAN UNCONSCIOUS--LITERALLY
The Cubs received good news this week when it was determined third baseman Mark Bellhorn--who has been hitting well below .200 for most of the year--was actually in a coma for the first month weeks of the season and is now progressing nicely.
After getting a triple in the season opener at New York, Bellhorn went into an 0-for-23 slump, which is much better explained by the announcement of his medical condition.
"We're glad to see he's recovering," Cubs manager Dusty Baker said, "but it would've been nice to know before I put him in the lineup."
After the opener, Bellhorn complained of shortness of breath and a constant pressure against his lungs. It was later found out that he slipped out of consciousness around April 3 and has remained that way for the last month.
"I guess I just choked on the starting job," Bellhorn said.
Nobody seemed to disagree with the diagnosis.
"I thought he just sucked," said longtime fan Larry Kramer. "In fact, I still think he sucks."
Bellhorn won the starting job with a breakout season last year, hitting 27 home runs while driving in 56. But nobody on the North Side thought he could reach those numbers again - especially without the benefit of a functioning brain.
"Was it a career year last season? Yes. Did anyone think I could do it again? No," Bellhorn said. "Do I deserve the money I'm earning right now? Probably not. Wait, what was my point again?"
God, Goddess, Great Spirit in the Sky, or whatever great being might be listening...PLEASE, PLEASE SEND US A STARTING THIRD BASEMAN!and maybe a World Series!..just asking
[b]Useless Trivia of the day[/b]
England's Worcester Canoe Club set the world record for paddling a hand-propelled bathtub. The 25 man team covered a distance of 55 miles, 425 yards in 24 hours on September 28 and 29, 1979.