Yes doctor, I am sick. Sick of those who are spineless. Sick of those who feel self-entitled. Sick of those who are hypocrites. Yes doctor, an army is forming. Yes doctor, there will be a war. Yes doctor, there will be blood.....
I'm sorry to bring this back up, but hearing of his death, I had to go out and listen to his Comedy Central/HBO special again. Here are some other great Hedberg's:
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t!
I dressed up for my CD.
I haven't slept for 10 days because that would be too long.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping him move. I just went over to his house and made sure he did not start loading sh*t in to a truck.
I want to be a race car passenger. Just the guy who bugs the driver:
"Say man, can I turn on the radio?"
"You should slow down."
"Why do we have to keep driving in circles?"
"Can I put my feet out of the window?"
"Man... You really like Tide."
At the end of my letters, I like to write "ps - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if 'q' and 'r' were removed."
I think Bigfoot is blurry. That's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. Because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside, "Run! He's fuzzy!"
My roommate said, "I have to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the restroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
Waiving to people you don't know can be dangerous. What if they don't have a hand? They'll think your cocky: "Look what I got! This thing is useful! I'm going to go pick something up!"
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I got a robe. It's not a robe. It's just a towel that fits me.
On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield. But on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means yield. Yellow means go ahead. Red means "Where the did you get that banana?"
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be up!
I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, often times I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
I bought a doughnut. They gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. You just give me a doughnut and I will give you the cash. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a situation where I will have to prove that I bought a doughnut.
A snake-bite emergency repair kit is a bodybag.
That joke's going to be good because I'm going to take all of the words out and replace them with new ones.
Two-in-one is a bullsh*t term because one is not big enough to hold two.
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and end the show strong. You can't be like pancakes - all exciting at first, but by the end your sick of them.
I have a cheese shreader at home. That's the positive name for a cheese shreader. If they called it by its negative name, it wouldn't sell: Sponge Ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have tiny bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortillas.
I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way its coming.
This shirt is dry-clean only, which means it's dirty.
I've got carpal tunnel now, so maybe I'll post the rest later.