Yes doctor, I am sick. Sick of those who are spineless. Sick of those who feel self-entitled. Sick of those who are hypocrites. Yes doctor, an army is forming. Yes doctor, there will be a war. Yes doctor, there will be blood.....
Somebody asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no. But I want a regular banana later... so yeah.
I hate flossing, I wish I had one long curvy tooth.
I opened a yogourt and the lid said 'please try again'. A little inspiration from the good people at Yoplait - "Fuit on the bottom - inspiration on top"
I like tennis because no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit.
- Mitch Hedberg
"Jack, will you call me, if you're able?"
"I've got your phone number written, in the back of my Bible."
I'm sorry to bring this back up, but hearing of his death, I had to go out and listen to his Comedy Central/HBO special again. Here are some other great Hedberg's:
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t!
I dressed up for my CD.
I haven't slept for 10 days because that would be too long.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping him move. I just went over to his house and made sure he did not start loading sh*t in to a truck.
I want to be a race car passenger. Just the guy who bugs the driver:
"Say man, can I turn on the radio?"
"You should slow down."
"Why do we have to keep driving in circles?"
"Can I put my feet out of the window?"
"Man... You really like Tide."
At the end of my letters, I like to write "ps - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if 'q' and 'r' were removed."
I think Bigfoot is blurry. That's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. Because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside, "Run! He's fuzzy!"
My roommate said, "I have to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the restroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
Waiving to people you don't know can be dangerous. What if they don't have a hand? They'll think your cocky: "Look what I got! This thing is useful! I'm going to go pick something up!"
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I got a robe. It's not a robe. It's just a towel that fits me.
On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield. But on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means yield. Yellow means go ahead. Red means "Where the did you get that banana?"
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be up!
I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, often times I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
I bought a doughnut. They gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. You just give me a doughnut and I will give you the cash. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a situation where I will have to prove that I bought a doughnut.
A snake-bite emergency repair kit is a bodybag.
That joke's going to be good because I'm going to take all of the words out and replace them with new ones.
Two-in-one is a bullsh*t term because one is not big enough to hold two.
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and end the show strong. You can't be like pancakes - all exciting at first, but by the end your sick of them.
I have a cheese shreader at home. That's the positive name for a cheese shreader. If they called it by its negative name, it wouldn't sell: Sponge Ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have tiny bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortillas.
I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way its coming.
This shirt is dry-clean only, which means it's dirty.
I've got carpal tunnel now, so maybe I'll post the rest later.
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Fantasy Football
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by logan » Fri Apr 01, 2005 1:25 am 
