HumorApril 30, 2009

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A Bizarro Look at the Season Thus Far

By R.J. White

Today, we’ll take a break from the dry, sometimes harsh reality that is the 2009 fantasy baseball season to take a look at how the Bizarro MLB season has been going. For those unaware, the Bizarro MLB is exactly like the MLB, except that it is different in every way. For example, the Bizarro Nationals are once again looking unstoppable in the NL East, winning 15 of their first 19 games. It’s another great start for the only team in the league to play no other team in their division yet. Let’s see what else is happening in the Biz MLB.

Little known Biz Boston DH David Ortiz is having a career year, displaying an elite power stroke that nobody knew he had. He’s the first to reach double digit home runs, doing so in only 20 games. Some are already clamoring for Ortiz to receive the Fantasy MVP award, but it’s still early in the season. Let’s see if the rags-to-riches story can keep it up.

AL strikeout leader Chien-Ming Wang looked impressive again Tuesday night for the Biz Yankees, pitching eight shutout innings while only allowing four hits and no walks to go along with a dozen strikeouts. Wang has maintained a sub-1.00 ERA through his first four starts, which has many fantasy owners choosing to “sell high.” Don’t follow the herd, as Wang is finally coming into his own and has always been a healthy, reliable pitcher.

Biz Cardinals fans are lamenting the continued lackluster play of 1B Albert Pujols. Normally a quality option for steals, Pujols hasn’t even been able to do that this week, and his two-hit performance over the last 24 at-bats is becoming all too familiar for owners holding on to the hope that this guy will eventually develop into something special. It’s time to move on, people. It ain’t happening.

Now this is what I’m talking about, Biz Mets fans! Normally a team that has to rely on pitching, New York has been surprisingly hot in the batter’s box this week. Lead-footed leadoff hitter Jose Reyes is tearing up the basepaths and hitting everything that comes over the plate, and the four HRs and five steals that he’s given fantasy owners this past week are carrying fantasy teams across the nation. Hopefully Reyes and the low-average David Wright can keep this offensive output up, as the Mets faithful might not be able to survive another wild September that has the Mets winning out and closing the gap to steal the Wild Card from the Giants again.

Alex Rodriguez owners have got to be thrilled. After news broke that Rodriguez would miss significant time due to hip surgery, Rodriguez beat even the most optimistic of timetables to be ready for Biz Opening Day. He’s suffering from no ill effects, as he’s launched seven home runs and 20 RBIs while hitting .357 and stealing two bases. After being trashed in the media by known steroid user Curt Schilling, Rodriguez has predictably flourished in the spotlight and should continue to do so, leading the Biz Yankees to another World Series victory. Biz Rangers fans must be in awe that history could continue to repeat itself. In a related note, Chase Utley is still on the shelf after his surgery, and there’s no telling when he’ll return.

Three homer games for Wednesday, April 29, 2009: Biz Angels 3B Chone Figgins and 2B Howie Kendrick, Biz Pirates OF Brandon Moss, Biz Brewers OF Ryan Braun (finally), Biz Mets OF Ryan Church, Biz Yankees SS Derek Jeter, Biz Braves SS Yunel Escobar, and every Houston Astros player.

Most of those names will be familiar to you, but I’ll go over the others. Braun is the young Biz Brewers 3B that is strictly in the lineup due to his defense at the hot corner. Don’t expect any more games like this anytime soon. Jeter is a solid defensive shortstop for the Biz Yankees; he’s been shuttled back and forth between the minor and major leagues in his career that I wouldn’t get used to seeing him in the Yankees lineup. And for those following the aforementioned Ortiz’s bid to break the record for most consecutive games with three home runs, his would-be third long ball today was snagged on a spectacular, over-the-wall play by the speedy Adam Dunn. This ends Ortiz’s streak at 10 games, meaning that the record is safe for now. Rafael Belliard, who still holds the first three spots on the list, can rest easy.

That’s all for today! I hope you enjoyed this little break from reality. As always, send questions and comments to and we’ll tackle them in the Monday Mail Call. If reading this article cheered you up a little too much, I guess we’ll see you in 2010!

R.J. White (or daullaz) has been actively involved in fantasy sports for over 14 years, making him an addict at this point. He loves writing, the Atlanta Braves, music, the Buffalo Bills, theatre, the Philadelphia Eagles, his family, and the number 42, though not in that order.
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