New Year’s Resolutions

Lose weight. Clean out the garage. Quit smoking. Exercise more. It’s 2006, and many of us have been following the time-honored New Year’s tradition of making resolutions, several of which we actually won’t have forgotten by February. What sort of resolutions are being made in the world of Major League Baseball? We don’t know for sure, but that won’t stop us from making a few guesses…

I, BJ Ryan, resolve not to giggle hysterically every time I think of the five-year, $47 million contract the Blue Jays gave me. At least not in public.

We, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of California (or whatever the silly phrase is these days) ownership group, resolve to change the team’s name to something less embarrassing. How about “California Angels”? That has a certain ring to it…

I, Julio Franco, resolve to lobby the Mets to extend my two-year contract so that I can keep playing past the age of 49.

I, Larry Beinfest, general manager of the Florida Marlins, resolve to ship every player left over from last year’s roster out of town by the trading deadline.

We, the members of the 109th Congress of the United States of America, resolve to hold more hearings on steroids in order to bum autographs off the game’s top sluggers. (Note to self: have intern bring enough Sharpies this time.)

I, Ricky Henderson, resolve to return to the game so that Ricky can increase Ricky’s stolen base mark.

We, the fans of the fledgling Washington Nationals, resolve not to lose interest in the team this time. (But hey, how ‘bout those Redskins?)

I, Pete Rose, resolve to offer odds of six-to-one … er … resolve not to place bets on whether or not I’ll eventually make it to the Hall of Fame.

We, the sportswriters of the city of Seattle, resolve not to use the phrase “Johjima-mania” every time the Mariners’ new catcher gets on base.

I, Billy Beane, resolve to explain to the world exactly how signing Esteban Loaiza to a three-year, $21-million contract fits in with the Moneyball philosophy.

We, the Chicago Cubs, resolve to lift our fans’ hopes and then tear their hearts out again. In a lovable way, of course.

I, Dave Littlefield, general manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates, resolve to bring Sidney Crosby to spring training as a non-roster invitee. Hey, he’s the best athlete the city has, and we could use some help.

I, Tony LaRussa, resolve to play Albert Pujols at third base a couple times this season, making scores of fantasy owners very happy.

 
Arlo Vander, desperate for stolen bases on his dynasty league team, resolves to draft Ricky Henderson should he truly ever stage a comeback.
 

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