HumorMarch 5, 2004

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Twenty Signs Your League is Doomed

By Chris Weber, Grant Irwin & Tasneem Chowdhury

1. Owners show up late for the draft because of the NCAA basketball tournament.

2. The majority of the owners took less than five minutes to prepare for the draft, and ask if they can borrow your cheat sheets.

3. Several owners don’t have a team name by draft day and then call their squads, ‘Whatever,’ ‘Who Cares,’ ‘Uh…,’ and ‘Can’t Think of a Name.’

4. Half the teams didn’t bother to change yahoo’s rankings before the draft.

5. An owner tries to draft a player selected in the previous round … three different times. Another tries to draft players that retired last year.

6. Yet another owner can’t figure out why he can’t find Tiki Barber on any cheat sheet.

7. Nobody bids on Alex Rodriguez because they don’t want to be accused of buying players like George Steinbrenner.

8. Three of the folks in your public league just signed up for the heck of it and don’t care about baseball. Two of those who do follow the sport are drafting only to practice for their ‘real league.’

9. Practically the whole league is made up of Yankee haters, allowing the lone New Yorker to pick up Mike Mussina in round 23.

10. Your commissioner adds three additional DL spots because he picked up Ken Griffey, Jr., JD Drew, and Kevin Brown.

11. One guy drafted a team made up almost entirely of closers, and sends you offers of Fernando Rodney for Miguel Tejada or Barry Zito.

12. Another owner picked only players from his hometown team, with special attention to favorite benchwarmers. That team is still better than the roster drafted based on how funny players’ names sound.

13. The number of draft choices was considerably lower than the number of draft beers you and your friends had.

14. Your commissioner doesn’t award ‘SF Outfielder’ to the owner who drafted Barry Bonds.

15. Every trade is vetoed by the league within four minutes of being announced. The commissioner, in particular, overrules all deals involving players he wants for his own team.

16. Players include things outside of the league in trades. Timo Perez and half a pizza for Bobby Abreu?

17. One person thinks BB stands for broken bats.

18. Log-in times for half the leagues owners are more than one year old.

19. The owners that finish in the money are the only teams that make trades or use the waiver wire.

20. “Wanna trade Albert Pujols for Rheal Cormier? I think it helps both our teams…”

Chris Weber, proud owner of Robb Nen, wouldn’t mind adding an extra DL slot or two. He’s not averse to a draft or two during the draft, either. Grant Irwin and Tasneem Chowdhury, known in the forums as fishnuts and Tasneem, don’t think these are funny because they have encountered most of them in their own leagues.

Ever had the feeling your league was doomed? What tipped you off? Tell us about it – chances are we’ll add you to the list!

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