Letters of Complaint

Does it ever seem as if Major League teams make decisions without considering the implications for your fantasy squad? It often appears as if managers and front office personnel are merely concerned about winning games (note: does not apply to all franchises) and doing what’s in their best economic interest (see note above), and could care less about fantasy players.

Obviously, this sorry state of affairs has got to change. Here are several letters we’ll be sending to various teams:

Dear St. Louis Cardinals,
Fantasy players love your team; who wouldn’t with that amazing team batting average? But could you please, please either clear Albert Pujols to play everyday or put him on the disabled list? Pujols is useless if he’s only making a handful of pinch-hit cameo appearances a week; if you place him on the DL, we can at least pick up Ty Wigginton off waivers without having to drop anyone. Thanks!
Have a great weekend,
-Arlo

PS Please also give Pujols some more games at 3b, so we can keep playing him there next year.

Dear Oakland A’s,
Love your pitching staff! You folks certainly have one of the league’s best rotations. Would it be any trouble to take your starters out of the ballgame a bit earlier, though? It’s wonderful that Barry Zito pitched a shutout, but a lot of us are working with a very tight innings cap here. The man had a 9-0 lead after five innings. With the win essentially locked up, it would have been nice to save those four extra innings, and we wouldn’t have to worry about our ace becoming fatigued.
Thanks a million for your help,
-Arlo

Dear Colorado Rockies,
Please lose the humidor. We’d like to see Todd Helton hit .400, and we never start any pitchers at Coors anyway.
Much appreciated,
-Arlo

Dear Detroit Tigers,
Hey, we’re as high as you folks are on Jeremy Bonderman, but we’d really appreciate it if you’d just leave him in the minors this season. The kid’s only 21, and being thrown to the wolves in the big show won’t help his development any, and his confidence will hardly be strengthened by an era above 10.00, either. Be patient. Good pitchers are hard to come by for a fantasy team (but I guess if anyone knows that, you do), and we don’t want to see Bonderman wasted.
Happy Easter,
-Arlo

(Note to self: send copy to Texas Rangers; change Jeremy Bonderman to Mark Teixeira; replace era above 10.00 with average below .200, etc.)

Dear New York Yankees,
I’m afraid we have to inform you of a case of identity theft. The person pretending to play first base for your team is obviously not Jason Giambi, nor even his brother Jeremy, but an unknown imposter. Please alert the appropriate authorities.
Hoping to see Jason back safe and sound in the near future,
-Arlo

(Another note to self: send copy to Chicago White Sox; replace Jason Giambi with Paul Konerko; lose the part about Jeremy)

Dear Milwaukee Brewers,
Please do us a favor and recall Brooks Kieschnick as soon as possible. We know he won’t have much of a fantasy impact, but we’re just really curious to see how various fantasy games and stat services deal with a player who is both a hitter and a pitcher.
Cheers,
-Arlo

Dear New York Mets,
We thought letting Rey Ordonez go would finally make it safe for us to draft a Mets shortstop, but Rey Sanchez is looking even worse (not to mention that Ordonez is turning into Cecil Fielder down in Tampa Bay). Sanchez’ .111 average isn’t doing it for us; might we trouble you to call up Jose Reyes? We think he’s ready.
All best,
-Arlo

Dear Boston Red Sox,
Just pick a closer, darn it!
Your friend,
-Arlo

Hopefully, these letters will open some eyes and straighten out a few priorities in front offices around the league. After all, what’s more important: reaching the World Series, or helping fantasy owners everywhere?

 
Arlo Vander has no clue whatsoever who to waive in order to make room for Ty Wigginton. No, he’s not bitter, never mind the fact that 3b is the only position on his team without a backup.